I saw a boy’s penis fall out of his shorts once. At the time it was the single most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen. Once I sneezed out a tampon while trying to seduce a boy. It shot out and hit the opposite wall. He thought it was a torpedo sent from God to try and kill him. Boys are very self-absorbed. Once I saw a girl wet her pants while sitting on a stool in science class. That same year I grabbed my best friend’s boob by mistake. She was furious. I didn’t mind it. Willies float in water. I find that far funnier than it probably should be. My mum made my dad a boob cake for his birthday one year and we have photos of him pretending to grab them. I’m pretty sure it scarred me for life. My friend went on a holiday and had a masseur pick an errant bit of toilet paper out of her labia. Women are helpful towards one another that way. My husband knows which tampons I like and he buys them for me. I told him if I ever become a paraplegic I want him to know how to insert them. I got him to practice it once, but he was so bad at it I decided I’d just take my chances. I once dated a penis that was completely bent to one side. It was like it was trying to peer around at something much more exciting going on behind me. Maybe it was my bum. I have a fabulous bum.