A Perfect Storm (in a bestial teacup)

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I haven’t written a blog post here in 15 months. It’s such a long time, and yet it’s gone so quickly. The cardinal sin of blogging is to just stop, unannounced, for a long time. Oops.

So why pick up again now?

I think it’s a confluence of things and reasons, a bit like a perfect storm. Or maybe just more of a case of now or never. A friend of mine misheard me say something about what I was doing on the weekend last week and she looked so excited when she thought I said ‘blogging’. (God knows what I actually said. It sure as hell wasn’t jogging, and what else is there? Hogging…?) A whole range of emotions whacked me across the side of the head when she looked at me with such expectation in her eyes and I had to say ‘erhm, no, that’s not what I said.’ I felt surprised that she even remembered the blog, then I felt pleased that she did and she was clearly excited at the prospect of reading it again, then I felt guilty for abandoning it for so long, then I felt sad that I’ve stopped writing, and then I just felt plain angry and frustrated.

Which is basically how I’m feeling right now. I gave up on writing fiction – the one thing in this world I’ve known since I was five that I’m here to do. I pretty much write (non-fiction) for a living now, and it’s tempting to blame work on my sterility in the creative department.

Ah sterility, how thee haunts me. You see, it seems my writing efforts dried up around the same time that I went though IVF three times unsuccessfully. Somehow in my system I seem to have connected creativity to fecundity. Which, let’s be honest, is by no means an original connection. But how to untangle this messy little knot I seem to have tied myself into? Hot diggity, but there’s the rub. Especially as this knot is one of those complex little suckers that just gets tighter the more you work it.

Because… there’s more.

It seems that, on top of failing dismally at motherhood and being a writer, the whole gay marriage rights revolution that’s going on has turned me upside-down as well. Because, on top of being a failed mother and a failed author, I’m also bisexual, which, as a happily married woman in a heterosexual relationship, seems to be so confusing to society as to render me wholly unable to express who I really am to the world – something I never thought I would have trouble with. As I’ve gotten older, my bisexuality is something I’ve chosen not to express very openly. People just can’t seem to understand it, and the prejudice that surrounds it can be frighteningly extreme. Very recently, in a job I’m now thankfully no longer in, I mistakenly felt safe enough to express my sexuality to four of the people I worked with – 50% of them gay women – the discrimination that ensued took my breath away. Apparently I was sleeping my way to the top with my female boss, and when I voiced my concern to HR, the first response was ‘why on earth would you tell anyone that you’re bisexual?’ and the second response was ‘you know bestiality is illegal, right?’.

I kid you not.

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of work to figure out how to actually be bisexual. But I’ve got it sussed, for me, and I’m really happy about that. I just think it’s going to take society a long time to catch up. Homosexuality is gaining acceptance rapidly right now, which is something I’m extremely happy about, but the B in GLBT is going to take a little longer I think. This is partly because it’s so easy to hide the fact that you’re bisexual. It’s also because bisexuality and polyamory often go together and I don’t think church and state are quite ready to wave that flag yet. But, in the mean time, I think it’s time I waved my coloured flag a little more openly and with a little more pride. My husband is right beside me, holding my hand, waving that flag with pride with me, something that means more to me and fills me with more love than any bigoted idiot who can’t discern bestiality from bisexuality will ever hope to experience in his narrow-minded lifetime.

So, here I am, in this tiny pocket of cyberspace, waving my rainbow flag, picking up my quill again, calming my body and my nerve to do another round of IVF, and quietly, oh-so-quietly going about the business of getting back to being fabulous. I invite you to join me on this journey. I can’t promise to not disappear again, but I’ll do my best to keep click-clacking away at the keys, even if the only person who gets something out of it is me… what a good start that will be.

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16 Comments

Filed under Australia, blogging, Books, Fiction, Friends, Health, Inspirational, IVF, Love, Motherhood, Political Writing, Sex, Women/Feminist, Writing

16 responses to “A Perfect Storm (in a bestial teacup)

  1. PG

    Ohhhhh how I have missed your blogging. Fills me with much more excitement than hearing about “jogging” (although the “hogging” option also sounded interesting! 🙂 )…. and as someone who knows, you haven’t stopped being FABULOUS, honey, that shit doesn’t go away. But great to have you back on here!! 🙂 Sounds like your journey of not writing, and not conceiving, and struggling with your bisexuality has been a bloody hard path to traverse…and as for the discrimination, sounds like the end of THAT job was a godsend! Bisexuality and beastiality. Jesus. Shame you didn’t slap him. I probably would have. 😉 As a fellow bi chick (currently happily in a long term same sex relationship), I too struggle with the way people view it when you share that news. I agree – it’s something that is hard to understand for people, but I proudly wave my rainbow flag too and out myself all the time – casually mentioning it and hoping that 1) guys don’t get all horny and gross about it and 2) that people see it as a non issue – as much as the fact that I’m a blonde, or that I’m a business person, or that I own a cat. So I say, normalise the shit out of this stuff, Simonne! It’s just part of the journey. The non-writing (you’ve fixed that, I see), the non-conceiving (just about to fix that too, I see) and the pride in being a person who doesn’t fit into a box that society says is “normal”. So I’ll join you in that box and we’ll have a fucking awesome time being unusual and shit. 😉 YOU GO, GRRRRL! And do your thing and we will read with interest as you make connections, draw conclusions, entertain us with your usual creativity and awesomeness. Glad you’re back! 🙂 🙂 🙂 xoxoxo

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    • Dear Lord, what would I do without you in my life, my corner, and my box… figuratively speaking!! You have been a big part of this journey of mine recently, and I’m very grateful for that and for you. Let the fabulousness roll!!!

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  2. KGB

    Oh yay! I have been looking for another blog to read, and I remember one of your previous entries about sparkly vaginas- what more can I say! Love Love Love.

    Poo to discrimination and weird connections between bisexuality and bestiality??? Alas I cannot join you in the bisexuality camp unless you allow failed bisexuals- hey I gave it a go! But I am always up for perving on some nice boobs if that counts 🙂

    Looking forward to the next update- please don’t make us wait 15 months xxxx

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  3. Victoria

    I was really excited to receive the above blog in my inbox. You are friends with my sister (Sandy) and she recommended your blog to me. I love your writing. It’s open, honest and frank. I, (for whatever it’s worth) couldn’t care less about you being bisexual. I can’t believe that in 2012 it is even necessary to have to explain/defend one’s sexuality. Great to see you writing again. Best of luck with IVF. x

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  4. Dawn

    What an honest account of where you are at right now – and what a special son-in-law I have. Much love to you both. xxx Writing again? Of course you are and as i always say – about time! You leave your fans for too long but luckily for you they all come sprinting back the minute you take up the pen. xxxxx

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  5. Writing Jobs

    Nice piece of writing today. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. Simonne, you are not a failed ANYTHING! You are you, just as you should be…a wonderful, talented woman who should definitely not let life, or bigoted idiots stop her from doing what she’s known since she was five that she should be doing. As for being Bisexual, if your beloved is with you, then who else’s business is it anyway? You don’t fit into one of society’s neat little boxes…yay! So maybe you are one of those people who exist on the edges, those liminal spaces that society is scared of because it can’t categorise and then OWN you…and it’s the edges where the changes happen, the revolutions start, where all the most interesting people are. Write like a demon, and it’s good to have you back!

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  7. Well, honey – good for you and welcome back! That’s a lot on anyone’s plate, quite frankly, but I agree with Christina. I am failing to see the failure here. GOOD LUCK with fertility and flag flying, the blogging world is glad to have you back in whatever state you come.

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  8. Pingback: Maiden Mother Crone | into the quiet

  9. Jen

    Wow, you are one inspirational lady!

    I love the honesty of this real-life post. It’s why I’ve come back to blogging myself. It’s the stuff of life – the stuff people have been belted into submission over, that you don’t feel quite right to talk about due to the (completely disgusting) reactions of the ignorant.

    A friend of yours (PG) recommended I take a peak at your blog here and I’m so glad I did. Also put on the earth to write, I shelved the novel-in-progress for a similar reason (though my story differs, the effects are the same). And the F-word (failure) affected every inch of me. It’s a tough one to get through, but when you realise that it’s others making you feel this way, it removes the power from it. And you can replace it with another F-word that is much more fun to use. I hope you take time out to celebrate the survivor in you, even when the end result differs from what you expect.

    Best wishes to you on your next chapter, and carving out your own ‘normal’. It’s the only way!

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