There’s no worse sin for a blogger than to disappear unannounced for an extended period. To disappear for 8 months is unmentionably bad. (So let’s not mention it again.) Offering lame excuses is also not an option. Here are mine:
- We did IVF three times. Unsuccessfully.
- I started a new job.
- We had a holiday in Tasmania and visited home (Perth) after the new year.
Ok, so, three things… it’s not what you might call an exhaustive list. I guess the main reason is that while doing the IVF I lost myself, particularly my creative self. IVF takes over your psyche. It’s hard to explain, but your life really is boiled down to hormones and timing and visits to the clinic and this insanely crazy hope that leaves you utterly undone when it’s foiled. And I got foiled three times in a row. I know that’s not a lot compared to some women, but it was enough for me to call a time-out so I could catch my breath and try to remember who I am and why I’m here.
When you’re on the IVF road the why you’re here is boiled down to reproductive purposes only. And that’s never a good thing. I did lose myself. I am glad we’re taking a break. I had no idea I wasn’t ok until we stopped. The third fail was very hard. I felt so certain I would be pregnant that time and when I wasn’t I felt so deflated and like such a failure. I haven’t failed at many things in my life, but I was failing spectacularly at getting pregnant.
It feels amazing to have my life back. I’m starting to write again. My body is slowly coming back to me (the spare tyre is a whole other story) and I feel good knowing there are still 5 embryos on ice and I have 7 months left of the 12 we decided to take off from the whole thing. 7 months of no injections, no visits to the specialist, no nasal sprays or pee sticks or implants, just 7 months of normal, fun stuff like movies and dates with friends and late nights and sleep-ins and blogging. I promise there’ll be blogging.