Explicit Excerpt

‘We can definitely do something with these. These are very fleshy.’ Dr. Woodcock pokes my left labia with a gloved finger.
I’ve experienced humiliation before, but with the poking I reach a whole new level.
‘The labia majora really are fleshy. The minora aren’t too bad.’
Dr. Woodcock grabs a lab and pulls. ‘Mmmm’.
This was no ‘you’re a Goddess, every man in the known universe would kill to be in my position right now mmmm’, no, this was a ‘mmmm, what’s the best way for me to give your weird and undesirable genitals a modicum of appeal?’
‘I think what we’ll do is actually a liposuction procedure on the labia majora and leave the minora alone. When the minora sag further as you age, we can always do the labiaplasty then.’

I’m forty years old. I’m lying on my back in a plastic surgeon’s office. My legs are spread and my labia are being manhandled by a man whose name ends in cock. This man is going to charge me a stupendous amount of money to suck the God-given flesh right out of my genitals. On top of that, he has forecast I’ll have sagging minora in the not so distant future. I don’t even know what that is. It sounds life-alteringly grim. I should leave. But I don’t. And Dr. Woodcock is now pulling on my right labia, elongating it with what is clearly a clinically-derived sense of wonder.
‘Gosh, yes, look at that.’
Even if I could, Dr. Cock, I just don’t think I would right now. All I can think about is how I’m going to break it to my family that my minora are droop-destined. They’ll all be crushed.
‘Alright, Mrs. Bell, you can get dressed now.’
‘Call me Sam. You’ve seen my droopy vagina, I think you can call me by my first name.’ I give Dr. Cock a half smile as I yank my Bonds up over my hips. His face remains impassive.
‘Perhaps you might like to look at these Mrs. Bell? Might help to make you feel more comfortable.’
Cock pushes an album across the desk and makes fancy loops and swirls with his Mont Blanc while I pull my jeans on and shove my feet back in my Nikes. A vagina album. Pages of pussies to peruse. Fantastic. If only Alex were here; he’d love it. I can feel Cock staring at me so I focus on the twats. Perhaps he has a point. There’s some seriously sagging snatch in this album. Sagging snatches on the left, tight, hairless pussies on the right. Not your classic before and after shots. No mood lighting or lipstick here.



Filed under Beauty, Exercise, Fiction, Flash fiction, Hothouse exercise, Humour, My Book, Political Writing, Sex, Weight Loss, Women/Feminist, Writing

15 responses to “Explicit Excerpt

  1. lol! Omg, this is hilarious.

    And yeah, I was suckered in by the title. 😉


  2. PG

    Oh Mon, I just can’t pick a favourite line from this piece! There’s tooooo many! 🙂

    “…grabs a lab…”; …name ends in cock…”; sagging minora forecasts; “…seriously sagging snatch…”; mood lighting; before and afters; and no lipstick.

    The imagery, oh God, the imagery!!!

    Have burst out laughing at work (and have glossed over the details when asked by the curious ones what made me laugh) and have tears of laughter on my cheeks. Adore it! Hilarious!


  3. Danielle Manning

    You funny broad!!! Did you watch that doco – “The Perfect Vagina”???!!! Crazy stuff!


  4. Pretty funny, and pretty brave to share the story.

    The Doctor sounds a tad insensitive …

    ps: Word of the day is protrude.. is that coincidental?


    • Your blog looks interesting, will snoop around some more soon 🙂
      It’s not my story, so doesn’t feel particularly brave to me, but there are so many designer vagina stories out there I feel compelled to hunt them down! And yes, protrude was coincidental! Good pick up!


      • Glad to hear it, I’ve been reading you for the last month or so and you really don’t seem the type for a vagi-tuck… or whatever you might call it.

        Thanks for stopping in, I’d love to get feedback on my site.


  5. Brilliant. More please. Writing, not vaginas.


  6. Simonne, that is hilarious.


  7. I wasn’t sure about this when I first read it Simonne, but now I LOVE it. Tell me it’s a new direction you’re moving in?


    • Oh good! I posted it because I was after some feedback and it seems pretty positive. Yes, it is a new direction – well, a new direction on an old idea I’ve been mulling over and working on for the past decade! Time to get it done I think!


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