Fragment…

First draft fragment of a new short story:


I am burning. My skin slides onto the floor. I am dripping. I drip pain in big tacky dollops and oozing, wet threads. In the beginning, during the rushing and the shouts, the tearing and the pulling and the scraping, with the beeps and the liquid and the white, everywhere the white, the words are only fragments of humanity. But now I am numbed I can hear my father’s voice. The utter sadness of it seeps into the white walls and effects everyone. It fuses with the smell of my falling skin, my tufts of hair, and all the bits of me that stick to the bed and the floor and the walls and the ceiling like I was a bug and someone stepped on me too hard. I got splattered.

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11 Comments

Filed under Fiction, Flash fiction, Short Stories, Writing

11 responses to “Fragment…

  1. Thanks Simonne, sent shivers up (and down) my spine. I look forward to your next ‘fragment’. Jamie

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  2. Kim

    first, i’m not the she Kim (“Ma’am” indeed).

    and, i like this – it leaves me wondering about the ‘judgment’ that might follow. lush images.

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  3. That’s very intense and compact. It could be surreal but it made me think of Gaza. One of those images that could open out in many directions.

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  4. wow….umm…rich enough? Intense enough? Wow…but don’t be a tease now, haha..more please 😉

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  5. Thanks Jamie, and welcome to into the quiet.

    Sorry He-Kim! Apologies! Thanks for your comment 🙂

    Paul, Romi, yes it is a tad intense, no? Will post more of it at a later stage.

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  6. Ken Kiser

    Definitely interesting and begs to be further explored.

    However, I’ve always found present-tense writing to be extremely awkward to read. It always makes me ask: “Who’s writing this?” and “How are they writing it AS it’s happening?”

    There’s nothing wrong with this style, of course. It’s just weird to me.

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  7. Hey Ken, thanks for stopping by. Yes, first person, present tense is extremely hard to get right, and if it isn’t, then I agree, it’s very awkward. However, when done well (and I’m certainly not saying that I’ve done it well, but I really want to explore it some more), I find it incredibly satisfying. ‘Fight Club’ is the best example I can think of at the moment. ‘American Psycho’ is another example (although I hated that book!). It allows the writer to use surprise and hide plot points more effectively, as well as being such a wonderful way to explore the current emotional state of a character without narrating it.

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  8. A haunting imagery that your words produced, thank-you for sharing.

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  9. Grace

    Powerful, Simonne! It reminded me of passages from Trudeaus’ “Johnny Got His Gun” – a book I read several times as a teenager…and that helped to shape my worldview on war.

    Or is that Anti-War 🙂

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  10. Ok. I am a patient man but I can only handle so much suspense. This is brilliant, Simonne. More please.

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  11. Pingback: Fragment #2 « into the quiet

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