The strangest kiss known to womankind, ever

My mother loves to reminisce about my colourful romantic past exploits to my husband, CJ. You’d be forgiven for thinking that she was talking about herself, what with all her ooh-ing and ahh-ing and her incredible memory for detail; the sort of detail that I can never summon, despite the fact that these ridiculous events happened to me. One might even be forgiven for thinking that she was reminiscing vicariously through me – wait – before I delve so far into my own Freudian etiology that I can never return, I’ll stop talking about my mother.

So, there we were, me, my mother, and my husband, bellies fat from dinner, lolling on the couch talking about the good ol’ days when, out of left field, my mother brings up the fact that when I was 18, I went out with the ‘mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster’. Okay, let’s stop here a second so I can defend myself.

First – I was only 18. That’s like a mere 8 years from 10 and 10 is very, very young, people.

Second – My mother made me go. I know, I know, but read on, you’ll see.

The mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster, who shall remain nameless, mostly because I’ve forgotten his name, decided that despite the fact that we had never spoken to each other, (yes, I worked there too) he was in love with me. Let’s face it, I was 18 and cute and blonde and had made my aunt shorten my Red Rooster uniform just so I didn’t look dowdy as well as incredibly ridiculous, so really, who can blame the boy? He asked me (probably wrote it down on the lid of a chicken’n’chips box, who knows, I can’t recall) to go to a party with him, and I said I’d get back to him, having no intention of going anywhere with the mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster. But when I told mum what had happened at work that day (seeing nothing apart from endless boredom punctuated by brief periods of nausea ever happened at Red Rooster), she demanded thusly that I attend the party with said mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster. My mother was making me go on a pity date.

Sigh.

Let’s end this sad tale, shall we? Here’s what happened in a proverbial snack box: The mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster, along with EVERY other person at the party, was dressed as a rockabilly, and when I asked the mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster why he hadn’t told me it was a fancy dress party, he replied, in his first spoken words to me I suppose, that it wasn’t a fancy dress party.

Oh.

I stayed at the non-fancy-dress, fancy dress party a full and tortourous half hour before I feigned an exotic illness of the female (and therefore unmentionable) variety, and told the mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster that I was very sorry, but I had to go home. He walked me to my car and that’s when I received THE STRANGEST KISS KNOWN TO WOMANKIND, EVER. Before I had time to bid the mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster goodnight, he’d clamped his open mouth over my lips and sunk his teeth into that sensitive bit below your nose and my chin, and then proceeded to stand impossibly still and breathe Red Rooster breath into my face. This is a true story people. This was how this poor boy kissed. I had no option but to squeak through aching, trapped lips and ask if he would kindly remove his teeth from my face. He did, quite politely, and then stared at me. I stared back. What was I supposed to say? That was nice? I got in my car and I drove away, furious at you know who; mother.

So what happened to the mute rockabilly librarian who worked at Red Rooster? I don’t know actually. He stopped working there after that. I guess he decided he was making enough money just being a librarian. I do sometimes wonder though, if some woman, with more patience and resolve (and a tougher face) than me, taught that poor man how to kiss.

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22 Comments

Filed under Family, Humour, Sex, Women/Feminist, Writing

22 responses to “The strangest kiss known to womankind, ever

  1. Doktor Holocaust

    for those of us in countries where Rockabilly never took off as a fashion statement and stayed a purely musical thing, could you elaborate on “Dressed as a rockabilly”?

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  2. Um, okay – think John Travolta and Olivia Newton John in Grease…

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  3. You went on pity dates. Man, oh man, I wish I had known that years ago, I might have had a chance at getting one. lol
    sorry I haven’t been around for a while, lots happening in my life. Just wanted to say hi and wish your well
    Bill

    It’s lovely to see you here Bill 🙂 (And yes, of course you would have had a pity date! He he he).

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  4. Heuh.

    So tell us about your first real kiss!

    (pulls up a chair).

    He he. I was 15. I was on crutches at the time. It came as a surprise. It wasn’t bad. Is that enough? That’s enough.

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  5. ok… I’d feel awkward…
    That wasn’t a pleasant experience…
    Hope you got over it 😉

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  6. Joe

    maybe it was a full moon night and he was a werewolf in disguise? you just might have gotten away lightly, you know?

    just saying..

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  7. Simonne,
    It sounds as if you were the first human he ever kissed. Did his family keep chickens? LMAO.
    Annie

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  8. Haha, wonderful reminisce. He is probably an internet billionaire now cruising the Greek isalnds on a yacht with supermodels. Was C.J. taken if a fit of jealousy? That was a cool story, well told.

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  9. romi41

    Hahaha…I love how you justify your youth by saying “18 is only 8 years off from 10″….LMAO 🙂 …I’m gonna use that too the next time something weird happens..”you know, 27 is only 17 off from age 10, and that’s young!”…ahh I love you 😉 …and now I’m thinking that it’s almost okay that I wasn’t kissed in high school, especially if that’s the sort of thing that was lurking in “kissy land”…lol 😉

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  10. Well, I’m 53. That’s just 5+3, which equals 8, so I guess I’m still young enough to get away with anything 🙂
    Except kissing like that, of course.

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  11. Michelle

    This reminds me of my first (and thankfully only) kiss with a Pakistani political refugee I met on a blind date. It was like being kissed by an ocotopus combined with a very eager puppy – all arms and legs and tongues and the vaguest sensation that maybe he was humping my leg… Later when he confessed it was his first ever kiss it all started to make more sense!

    WAAA?! I’ve never heard that story!! That’s funny!

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  12. venus00

    Darn, I wish you had written this a couple of days earlier. We spent the weekend at a classic car/rockabilly convention. I would have kept an eye out for him! Aren’t you glad your mom made you go? A nice evening out with a banker wouldn’t have made nearly as interesting of a story.

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  13. Red Rooster breath – haha!

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  14. uppington

    Literally LOL. An awesome story, and I love your writing style. Oh – I also read your opener over on Fifthwind, and loved that too.

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  15. kaylee2

    What the fuck?

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  16. He he, great comments guys 🙂

    Uppington – such a great comment you left on the writing page – thank you. Do you have a blog I can visit?

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  17. uppington

    Hey, I love visitors! You can find me at http://www.uppington.wordpress.com I’d love it if you stopped by.

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  18. Doktor Holocaust

    Oh! we call those “Greasers” around these parts. although we do have Gothabillies, which are sort of Zombie Greasers, or Vampire Hillbillies.

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  19. Hilarious. I think you’re being kind calling it the ‘strangest’, when really, it is probably the ‘worst’ – ever – in the history of the universe.

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  20. That’s very true Sandy 😉

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  21. Mum

    I did NOT make you go!!! Could I “make” you do anything?? and why wouldn’t I remember these stories – they are hilarious! And folks – there are many more stories – we had the ethnic phase, the “cool” arty phase, the muscle-men phase, the motor bike/leather jacket/tats phase which was actually just one guy – just to check it out it – AND Simonne made him take off his jacket and show me the tats on our front verandah – true story. Way back then tats were not so common. I think she thought she was being very avant garde – or something. He was just plain embarrassed. Mum.

    OMG, you so did! There were a few phases, weren’t there…?! But Red Rooster boy is in a class on his own!

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  22. Jordan

    haha gotta love the last reply to this post “MUM”…

    hmmm google! i was looking for “strangest kiss” as i just probably had the most surprising and uncalled for kiss by a female coworker of mine, AT WORK…and ended up reading your whole disturbing tale lol

    i still am pinching myself to make sure im not dreaming this whole day! it was sooo dam strange, we have had absolutely nothing out of normal work matters, not even a lil eye contact or semi flirts… and suddenly she shows up from my behind, as im lookin down on my phone for a sec and kisses me right on the lips, slow, and kinda frenchy… with no warning or time for me to react

    then gives me the look, and gets lost back to her spot! leaving me like WTF all day long!
    i am still freakin out what is this whole thing about, u cant catch a single man like that at work, off guard. im not even that good looking or in any way special to trigger such random falling moments in women, if history is any proof lol

    but see, she’s too young, 19 and she’s a cutie too. im 26 and this whole thing is just so bothering my head. i was stunned, frozen in time, did not and could not react fast enough and pretty much just stood there and took it. damit im not looking for a relationship here, and she’s a coworker, the worst type of person to date or be casual with!

    Like

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