Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I thought the whole boob thing was difficult! The HAIR thing is the next challenge! I had a disastrous hair trial down south on the weekend. I looked positively revolting.

And that’s just what you want on your wedding day.

How can I sum up the hair trial experience for you? Firstly, let me explain that I am about to downplay the sequence of events that was the trial, ok? Here goes:

  1. I get to the hairdresser’s house with my mum and she informs us that because her kids were home with her, we would need to do the trial in the shed, otherwise they’d annoy us too much.
  2. In the shed.
  3. Her husband is home to mind the children for her, but is evidently incapable of movement.
  4. It’s raining outside and the shed is freezing.
  5. The shed is full of, you know, shed stuff, so I perch on a folding chair in front of a mirror propped up on an esky, surrounded by tins of paint, toys and tools.
  6. Did I mention that the shed is freezing? I don’t offer to take off my scarf and leather jacket and the hairdresser (TH) doesn’t ask me to, so she does my wedding hair trial around the scarf.
  7. I show TH pictures of hairstyles that I like and she proceeds to tell me what’s wrong with them and why they won’t work.
  8. The children escape the very watchful and concerned eye of the quiescent and charming husband and proceed to throw their tiny bodies at the shed door and droan “mum mum mum mum mum” in a ceaseless monotone.
  9. TH tells the monotone monsters to go back to their father.
  10. The monotone monsters ignore TH and continue their vigil.
  11. TH shows me and my mum hundreds of her own surfy-chic wedding photos and proceeds to tell me how fabulous her hair was and why I should look like that.
  12. Mum mum mum mum mum mum…
  13. TH continues with her quest to make me look like her.
  14. Mum mum mum mum mum mum…
  15. TH empties 327 cans of hairspray onto my golden locks until she is satisfied that my hair is now a flattering dull poo-brown colour.
  16. We are still of course, in the shed.
  17. TH pulls my hair across my forehead so tight one of my eyeballs pops out and rolls across the paint-flecked shed floor.
  18. Mum mum mum mum mum mum…
  19. I pick up my eyeball and shove it back in before TH notices and now half of what I look at has flecks of ‘Barely Beige’ satin finish floating in front of it.
  20. TH finishes with a flourish and shows me the back of my head in a mirror. I look like Mrs Cunningham from Happy Days. TH grins triumphantly as the monotone monsters manage to hurtle their bodies against the shed door so hard they crash through it. They stop dead when they see me, staring at my head, transfixed. Clearly they’ve never seen such beauty.
  21. I look at myself in the mirror over the esky and wonder if I’ve ever looked quite so unattractive. I close my eyes and imagine my wedding photos.
  22. I pay my money. I walk back through the warm house with TH, the monotone monsters who have suddenly found their voices, and a Jack Russel in tow, as the couch-bound husband looks slightly miffed about all the noise.
  23. TH hands me her business card, which, when looking at it, one would assume she’s a surfboard salesman, not a bridal hairdresser, and I quietly get in my car and drive away as fast as I can.
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25 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Humour, Love, Wedding, Writing

25 responses to “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

  1. ah yes, stay away from the amatures, go to real shop for that. If they wont do what you want it’s because they can’t. Get up and leave and don’t pay money.

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  2. Oh dear me, Simonne, I am sorry to say that I laughed. You are good at being funny at your own expense.

    I presume you won’t be using TH to do your hair on your wedding-day.

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  3. Doktor Holocaust

    yeah, look for a hairdresser with a proper lab or shop or whatever it is they call it, one whose training goes beyond spraypainting surfboards.

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  4. I would have given anything to have had your experience. . . .it sounds lovely next to mine. . . .

    My experience is similar – but the back drop was different, it all transpired at MY HOUSE! The kids, the dogs, the husband (although instead of being camped like a bump on a log on the couch – he was in the car, ever so quietly beeping the horn every 10 minutes)

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  5. Simonne, step away from the surfboard stylist and do not, under any circumstances, go back! A lovely (warm) salon, staffed by understanding stylists whose only concern is to make you look utterly beautiful on your wedding day is the place you need. Call around, explain your dilemma and go to the one who gives you the most sympathy (and promises you plenty of warm beverages and a “no shed” experience while they work wonders on your hair.)

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  6. Deb

    Am I the only one who wants to see pictures? 😀

    I say skip the hair styling all together and get a spa treatment the day of the wedding. You’ll look glowy and relaxed and happy and no one will notice your hair. 😉

    But since I was a freak even as a small child, playing with stuffed animals instead of barbies and never realizing that one of my little-girl duties was to plan a wedding (the one time I thought about my future wedding, my only comment was “ick, i’m not getting married”), probably you want to ignore my advice!

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  7. V-

    Thank God you were smart enough to schedule a “trial”. Yikes. I must confess I’m having a laugh at your expense also. Your beauty is sure to shine through, no matter the hairstyle.

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  8. poseidonsmuse

    Hair stress can be one of the worst stresses around. I can vouch for that. I hope you have more luck with another stylist Simonne! Miss you…Hope the planning is still going well! xoxo

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  9. Simonne, I found this quite hair-raising.
    Everything works out fine in the end.

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  10. Simonne, I’m sorry about your experience and have to wonder where this TH came from and how she came to be in your life.

    The person who does my hair best is my husband Aaron and (I feel free enough here and that you understand to share the real truth about my ‘stylist’) it’s best when it’s done in the comfort of our bed.
    I hope no one is blushing or saying – Nora!! How could you?? And if they are, all I can do is smile.

    By the way, this is a secret that I’ve never shared with anyone so – shh. Aaron would be sure to be embarassed if it were ever mentioned publically. (He’s shy)

    Simonne, I’m unsure why you haven’t been by but would like to know if you have time, please drop me a line? I know you’ve been crazy busy and bound to be busier still but I still love you.

    Peace.

    ~ RS ~

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  11. “I quietly get in my car and drive away as fast as I can.”

    Never to return, I hope! That sounds like a truly horrible experience.

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  12. May we assume you won’t be using TH for the big day? mum mum mum mum mum…

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  13. Simonne, that made laugh out loud. I would never let someone holding sharp metal tools take me out their shed. But then maybe I’ve seen too many horror movies. Good thing it was just a trial and you have time to find someone else. Word of mouth is probably your best bet. But what do I know? I get my hair cut at the mall. I was wondering, how did you come to choose TH for a trial even?

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  14. Thanks for the well wishes everyone!
    To those of you who asked if I was actually employing TH, the answer is definitely no on that one!
    Joey! Sounds awful! I commiserate.
    Thanks OB 🙂 I have found someone else who was recommended and am having a trial 4 days before the wedding so hopefully she’s good!
    Deb, sorry, Mum did take pics on her phone, but we can’t download them so you miss out!
    Laugh away V! You know I love making you laugh! Thanks for the lovely words xx
    Muse, miss you too honey, sorry I’ve been so scarce. Why I’m so precious about my hair above other things, I’m not sure, but this has certainly highlighted that that is so!
    Roob!!! That’s wonderful, I love it! Again, sorry I’ve been so quiet, will pop over to you soon xxx
    Sylvain, my Aunt found her number and she is a mobile hairdresser, which is what I wanted, so I thought she couldn’t be all that bad, right?!! He he he.

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  15. I almost choked on my soda when you said your eye popped out and rolled across the floor.
    So we can assume that this lady is NOT doing the wedding day hair!!!! I hope you lost that business card.
    Birds didn’t try to nest in your do did they?
    🙂

    Kim

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  16. Jo Hart

    Hi Simonne, I got your blog of Bills site.
    The joys of getting married. Glad to hear you have found a new hairdresser. Hope this is the only dilema for you on your wedding.
    All the best.
    Jo

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  17. Paul Baylay

    TH sounds cool… So no chance for a second chance then? 😉

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  18. reggiehudson

    Sis, it’s confession time……You’re a ghost writer for Steven King novels aren’t you? If not send Steven a manuscript called THE SHED. All kidding aside I hope you are able to resolve your hair issues. If you are half as beautiful as to what you are spiritualy, you are going to make one hell of a knock “em all dead gorgeous bride, on your wedding day. Best wishes sweetheart.

    Your Brother,

    reg

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  19. Hey Kim 🙂 Yes, several birds made their home in my sumptuous do – they looked kinda sweet nestled in there, so I let them stay…
    Jo, lovely to have you over in my neck of the woods, thanks for stopping by.
    Paul, second chances are OUT!
    Oh Reggie, you’re funny and sweet! Just how I like my men to be! Thanks 🙂

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  20. jimmywhofan3

    Yeah, finding the right hairdresser can be hard but is definitely worth the effort! You gotta get that right. Good luck!

    ps. For some hairstyle ideas, try http://www.hairstyleswatch.com

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  21. Thanks jimmywhofan – I did sort it out in the end and was very happy with my do on the day! 🙂

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