You have a date. You have a hope that they are the teacher, student, guide, lover, twin, friend. You want to be who you are with this person from the start. You want them to know your heart for all that it is. You write them a precis of who you are. You reveal your dark side and your beauty with all the courage that you have. For this is you, all of you, and you want to be loved and accepted for all that you are and all that you can be. And so you write:
I take you on a journey now, you who have touched a part of my heart in the brief moment in which we met. This is I, take it or leave it. I have no time to waste on formalities or conventions where we show only the best and brightest that we have. I have no desire to create brightness’ that don’t sincerely belong to me. I have no desire to show you the scrubbed, squeaking, laminated side of me that soon soils and goes limp and curls at the edges. I have no time to waste on this, it is of no consequence to me if you like the squeaky me, for that is the illusion and I have no desire or need to live in an illusion with you.
Here, take my hand and I will take you on the mini-tour. Step onto the path courageously and I will show you the truth of myself.
You are standing at the gate of my heart. It’s so expansive that you fear it’s really an abyss and to step forward would be to fall. This is your fear, your illusion and I ask you now to leave it at the door as we pass through. It is important that you disarm before entering my heart. I ask that you leave your fears, judgements, illusions and expectations at the gate and enter with nothing but the desire to love and be loved in your heart. This is not as hard as you might think it is. You have done this before, for every day that you were a young child you have done this, before you expected something to happen, when you just let it unfold in front of you with nothing but wonder and joy in your soul.
Now that you are disarmed, I invite you in.
Here, directly in front of you, inside my chest, is the pain of betrayal. Slowly I clear this pain from my existence, but until it is all gone, here are the remains, black, festering and guilt-ridden. You see this now to understand that if I attack it is from this black place where my resentment lies. Feel it now, so that you may recognise it and treat me with compassion when I let it seep out into our lives. Touch it now, so that you may come to know it and love it so that you can help me let it go so it need never touch us again. Breathe it in now, so that you have known this part of me, so that you can give thanks to this black pain, for it brought me here, along this path, straight to this moment in time, to you.
Here, to your left, is my heart. Step onto it gently and settle into its rhythm until you could identify it amongst a million drumbeats and come to rest here whenever you need protection and solace. Embrace it now, for it is the hub of me, the control centre from which I create and dream and manifest and love. It is the part of me that will, if you choose to stay, see you for all that you are and all that you can be.
Here, below you, is my belly. The black mire that you step into is my fear about not being good enough. Pause awhile here, as this will effect you more than anyone else in my life. All that I am afraid to be I will project onto you in the hope that you will rescue me. I ask you now to breathe in its scent and memorise its rhythm. Together, if you choose to stay, when we lie belly to belly, we can face these fears and let them go and come to see that in our love we are good enough just as we are.
Here, behind you, is my spine. The ivory beauty that you admire is my strength and my willingness and desire to support you in all that your heart desires. Run your fingers down its dents and across its bends. It is not as perfect as it once was, but I have cleared it of the fear it once held. Its ability to support myself and support our love, if you choose to have it, is unwavering.
Here, beneath you, is my sex. Bury your soul in it and drink it in without the fear of not knowing how. I want you to forget all that you have ever known about passion and desire and start anew with me. Deep within it you can see the scars and I ask you to run your hand along the hurts and fears that are still buried there. Here, my love, if you choose to stay, is where I really need you now. Never have I shown anyone these scars and fears, never have I been so vulnerable and so willing to release the fear of the past. I ask that you not yield to my fears, but take me with you on a journey to a passion deeper than either of us have ever known.
Here, within you within me, is my soul. Close your eyes and you will see it. In it are all the colours of the rainbow. There is no darkness here. It is pure, bursting with love, brimming with potential, ripe with desire. Step into it now…
If you dare.