Collateral Damage

The following genuine and unedited short dialogue occurred between CJ and I last night. I was in the ensuite brushing my teeth and he had just gotten into bed after having a shower.

S       What happened to the bathroom floor?

CJ     It’s collateral damage, it got hit by friendly fire. Don’t worry honey, it’s expendable.

I walked the few steps out of the ensuite, through the walk-in closet, toothbrush still whirring in my mouth, to look at him, partly because I still couldn’t quite believe just how he’d managed to flood the bathroom floor after one short shower, and partly because what he’d said in such a straight manner was so funny. I looked at him and almost decorated the curtains with foaming gobs of blue Macleans. He was lying flat in bed, the covers pulled up to his chin. Clamped between his teeth was a steel ruler and scattered over his chest were loose papers covered in hand-drawn diagrams and measurements. His brow was knitted in concentration as he looked at them, the bathroom floor already a distant memory. Despite the still buzzing electric toothbrush in my mouth, I went to say something. I smiled a toothpastey smile at his furrowed brow and changed my mind. I’m learning not to question some of the eccentricities of my geeky genius fiancée. What can you say to a man who’s tucked up in bed with diagrams of your wedding invitations that he’s designed resting on his chest, deep in concentration? It’s adorable. Besides, he’s right, what’s a bathroom floor in the whole scheme of things?

I just love those odd conversations men and women have about things when the difference in the wiring of the brain becomes so wonderfully obvious.



Filed under Humour, Love, Wedding, Women/Feminist, Writing

29 responses to “Collateral Damage

  1. poseidonsmuse

    “Yay! I get to post first, I get to post first….!!!”

    As for your rhetorical question – “What can you say to a man who’s tucked up in bed with diagrams of your wedding invitations that he’s designed resting on his chest, deep in concentration?” (ie. the proverbial relationship riddle…)

    One Answer – “Will you marry me?!”

    Love and Hugs….


  2. Phoenix

    LOL This was so awesome, Simonne!! Isn’t it funny how we can be blessed with such gems at the weirdest times? Reading this made me fill up with so much happiness for you!! 🙂 It gives me hope that my own man with ‘odd conversation’ will find me! xoxox


  3. chughes

    It’s good to recognize what’s important.
    A wet floor has led many couples to big blow ups.
    i myself find it difficult to walk on R’s wet floor and not grit my teeth but i’ll just sop it up with a towel. Then i’m okay.

    My theory is that men dance in the shower a la Flash Dance, swinging their heads around, waving their arms about, because we’ll hear them singing, and that’s how the water gets all over. : )


  4. D. Peace

    I say things that weird roughly 90% of the time. It’s more annoying than amusing when I do it, though.

    I think it’s cool how casually a man can use the phrase “collateral damage”. That’s one of those “guy” expressions that women have never picked up on.

    Also: “locked on”, “lock and load”, and the word “casualties” in almost any context.

    Conversely, words/phrases women are able to use at the drop of a hat that men just can’t seem to manage include “tickled pink”, “precious” (discounting Gollum) and “dinette set”.

    Ponder on that.


  5. Dawn

    What does CJ think about your conversations being out there in blogland? Probably genuinely bemused that anyone would be remotely interested – but I’ll bet most women are – and smile as I did. Just as long as you keep on thinking it’s funny!


  6. I’ve had many moments this week when I bit my tongue and whispered to myself, “Pick your battles, Kel, pick your battles.” Don’t sweat the small stuff. I reeeeeally want a healthy, successful relationship once and for all. It’s wonderful when irritation turns to laughter and we regain our perspective, realizing what we truly value.


  7. Doktor Holocaust

    he doesn’t sound porous enough. if all the water from the shower is getting onto the floor outside the shower-area, he must have some sort of waterproof coating that needs some holes made in it for him to get properly clean.

    unless, of course, you like your men laminated, lik ein that episode of Dexter’s Lab where he laminated himself so he could never get dirty, but then struggled with the fact that he was too slippery to do much of anything.

    i have the same water-outside-the-shower problem, and I blame poorly designed shower curtains.


  8. Muse – could you be more adorable?!

    Phoenix – He’s a comin’!!

    Christine – Yes, CJ actually confirmed that theory! (Well, not the Flashdance bit!)

    Peace – Your true love will find it amusing, I promise! Your ‘boy’ words I agree with, especially casualties, men love that word, don’t they? But I’ve never used any of your ‘girlie’ words, so either they’re duds (sorry dude) or I’m not very girlie. Girls – any suggestions??

    Dawn (aka Mum) – I actually asked CJ that and he said so far he didn’t mind (secretly I think he likes it, but we won’t tell him that), but he hasn’t actually read it yet! I sense some motherly concern that you worry I might not continue to find it funny? Who knows?! I had a massage client yesterday who still laughs at her husbands farts after 10 years, so I think there’s hope for me yet! (CJ may draw the line if I start blogging about his farts… but then, there was that time he farted so loud he set off a car alarm… ok, Mum I hear ya, stop writing about farts… ok).

    Kiki – Yep, perspective is a wonderful thing 🙂

    Dr H – You are a funny thing! You know the really funny thing – the shower has a DOOR! It’s completely closed in!!! My theory is that as CJ is 6’3″, when he’s dancing about, lifting his arms, the water flies OVER the top of the shower! But, maybe we should try the laminating thing…


  9. reggiehudson

    I bet you anything that if you dig around at the bottom of your bathroom vanity and look way back behind everything……’ll find toy submarines and battle ships. The reason your shower drain has been draining slowly as of late is due to the little toy scuba diver caught in the drain……If you look real close you can see his little fins sticking up. Damn McDonald’s and their Happy Meal Toys!



  10. Reg, that’s hilarious! I have to go look now you realise!


  11. missprofe

    Oh, Simonne! You are truly a love! The water on the floor would have freaked me *out*. It would have challenged my “Monkish” tendencies.


  12. Hi Missprofe – well, CJ has since read this post and emailed me, claiming that it was a gross misrepresentation of the facts and that there were in fact only a few puddles.
    (Man were they BIG freaking puddles!)


  13. Doktor Holocaust

    I doubt those doors form a water-tight seal. your bath-dancing theory has merit, though. I’ve been known to headbang whilst showering and get water on the ceiling.


  14. Dawn

    You’re right – stop with the fart stories!
    I think you’ve got the whole deal sorted. If something annoys you I think (I hope!) you will say something first up and not let it build up and then explode over something trivial which is when the guy goes “Huh? Where did THAT come from?” So many relationships falter and fracture because of that build up – as per our discussion today!!! Tis hard but worth the work to nip things in the bud at the beginning when you perceive a problem – sometimes it turns out there wasn’t one.


  15. poseidonsmuse

    Um, erm…I do use the words “tickled pink” and “precious.” Gosh. I am such a gurlie-girl…eek!


  16. As long as he’s not breakdancing or even line dancing I think you’ll both be okay.


  17. pradapixie

    What do you say… well I think actions would speak louder than words on this one .Once you removed the remaining toothpaste from your mouth!!!!.


  18. Hey Simonne,
    I think it’s great that you two have such a connection. That you both seem to accept and revel in each other’s differences and ecentricities. The whole thing played in my head like a scene in a sit-com.


  19. DR H – Water on the ceiling? Really?!!

    Dawn – Thanks for the mother lecture!!

    Muse – You are a total crack up, you say “tickled pink” really? Peace is going to love you!

    Roob – He can actually moonwalk (don’t ask!), maybe that’s what he was doing!)

    Pixie & WC – Hi chickies, what can I say? He’s pretty special!


  20. V

    ” What happened to the bathroom floor? ”
    As the mother of three boys, I have asked that question more times than I’d like to recount. I bet the “collateral damage” excuse didn’t fly with his mother . 🙂

    Good for you for putting it into perspective. Hold on to that wisdom. Love is much more important than a dry floor.


  21. Hey V, welcome back!
    I just might have to ask his mother that one!
    And I agree, love beats all 🙂


  22. Doktor Holocaust

    Yep. and when I sing in the shower it acts as pest control, as the resonance kills bugs and other small vermin.


  23. Hilarious! Can you put that on YouTube for us to see/hear?!!


  24. Doktor Holocaust

    no. It’s not worth the cost of the camera, which would also be damaged.


  25. Oh, disappointed! 😉


  26. Paul Baylay

    Would somebody please explain to me how come in my world its always the other way around. “Honey did you just take a shower or did you hose an elephant down in here”. I have dreams (admittedly strange dreams) of that perfect woman who doesn’t need five towels to take a shower or who doesn’t need to use her toothbrush, mine and the spare in one sitting leaving me wondering where two of them had been.


  27. Paul, sounds like high maintenance girlfriends might be your thing??! 😉


  28. Paul Baylay

    Haha.. yes yes you are right. You are so very right.


  29. He he! Good luck with that!!


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