The Odd Couple

P     You wanna?

V      Not right this minute.

P      Okey Dokey.

Pause

P      You wanna now?

V      Oh, nah.

P      I’ll be over here – stretching.

V      Ah-ha, sure.

P      Yep, yeaaaha, just stretching over here, yep, yeah, yep… juuust stretching.

Silence

P      What are you doing?

V      Thinking.

P      Why?

V      Why? You’re weird.

P      You wanna stretch with me? Huh, huh? Do ya, huh?

V      No thanks.

P      Oh.

Silence. P swivels as best he can to see around him. It’s a fairly one-eyed view of the world and he soon tires of looking. He starts to bob up and down.

P      Youwanna?Youwanna?Youwanna?Youwanna?Youwanna?!

V      Maybe later.

P gets excited, very excited.

V      Jesus P! I said maybe, and I said later, you don’t have to spit on me! Stand back, you’re crowding me, I’m trying to think!

P bobs about uncontrollably.

V      You look hilarious, anchored like that. Don’t you wish you could run?

P      You ready? Now? Pause Now? Pause Now? Pause Now?

V      You can’t even answer me! Wouldn’t it be cool if we could run, like all on our own?

P      Noooooow?!

V      Okay.

P      Well, when then?! … Huh?! Really? Now? Really? Now? Really? Really? Now?! Really?

V      Yes, dumbass, really.

P      Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

V      Jeez, calm down a bit, I can hardly find the… Oh my god…

P      Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah… Wait. Oh my god… good, right?

V      Stop waving around like that! Where the hell is your speed control, I can’t find it?

P      Speed control? What do you…? Hey! Where are you going?! V! Come back! V?… V?… V?… V?… V, are you still there? V, I can’t see anything, V?… V?… V? Damn it!

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31 Comments

Filed under Fiction, Humour, Sex, Writing

31 responses to “The Odd Couple

  1. poseidonsmuse

    OMG!!!! Simonne – That was clever and wickedly funny! [Gasp!]. If my vagina could talk – she would have V’s ‘tude! LOL! Thank you for making my morning….

    ps. Every “P” should be a “standard” – or at least operate with a couple of “low” gears damnit! LOL!

    Like

  2. Very glad to add to your morning pleasure! Oh, if vaginas could talk…!

    Like

  3. D. Peace

    “one-eyed”? “spitting”?

    That was great. I laughed out loud. You’re too witty for you own good.

    You should write an entire play about P and V. I’m not kidding when I say that.

    Like

  4. OK, I’m so freaking stupid today, I came to the comments to find out who P&V were. Leave it to PM to know – instantly. Can’t get anything over on that girl. Nope.

    Like

  5. D. Peace

    P&V are Patrick and Victoria, a kindly couple who have strange conversations… I think they’re discussing grocery shopping or something.

    No, there are no sexual undertones. None at all.

    Like

  6. Ha ha! Ok, you guys made me laugh out loud! Hilarious!
    Thanks Peace. I did try to write a play like that years ago, but it’s too hard to sustain! I did incorporate some of it into a play at the time though and audiences loved it, so maybe now that I’m older and wiser I should try again!

    OB, you innocent you! When I wrote it I read over it and wondered if it was obvious enough, then I thought, nah, no-one would miss that! 😉

    Good ole Patrick and Victoria, what will they get up to next?!

    Like

  7. poseidonsmuse

    Observant – I’m a bloody pervert – I know….I know….seriously can’t “slide” anything past me….[tee hee hee]!!!!!

    Simonne – MORE, MORE, Encore, Encore, Encore [clap, clap, clap, clap, clap]…..

    Like

  8. Ha! A gal after my own heart!
    Ok, ok, I’ll have to come up with an ‘Odd Couple Revisited’ when you’re least expecting it!

    Like

  9. lady this was funny stuff.
    kim

    Like

  10. Thanks! Penises are always good for a laugh 😉

    Like

  11. yeah, you said it!!!
    ha, ha.

    Like

  12. to be honest: i didn’t get it at once either and had to check the comments. 🙂 but at least i got a perfect excuse: my motherlanguage isn’t english… *phew*

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  13. D. Peace

    The penis is a great comedic device. As far as body organs go, it’s one of the funnier ones.

    I have no idea how women consider it a thing of beauty. Do you? As far as I know, it’s hilarious.

    Like

  14. Welcome Sandra – well thank goodness for my loyal commenters to help you out!

    Peace, you’re hilarious – I feel a two-hander ‘his’ and ‘hers’ post about this brewing!

    Yoko Ono once said “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate long thing hanging outside their bodies, which goes up and down by it’s own free will…If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.”

    Do I consider it a thing of beauty? I do now. I won’t elaborate on that, just say that, yes, I do think some penises are quite beautiful to look at. All are in their own right, but only some I would consider beautiful and a turn-on at the same time. They ALL have their hilarious moments though. I guess that’s why we love ’em!!

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  15. D. Peace

    lol. Hey, that two-hander post sounds great to me.

    I have to maintain that penises are funny. When you see a nude woman, it just takes your breath away. It’s nature’s greatest creation. When you see a nude man, you just have to avert your eyes and wonder what nature was thinking. The penis is God’s punchline. (I’m not the only person who feels this way… compare the number of “dick jokes” being told by comedians to the number of “vagina jokes”.)

    Like

  16. Ok, we’ll organise the dual post behind the scenes and wow our millions of readers with out wit and ingenious contrivance.

    Hmm, the dick joke/vagina joke thing is a whole other topic! I was going to write a post about it actually – the whole let’s make fun of the penis -aka – puppetry of the penis while still celebrating it, as opposed to the non-celebratory jokes that the vagina receives – but as I said, that’s a whole other conversation!!
    I actually think that some men look beautiful naked, but you’re right, generally women seem more streamlined somehow whithout that dangling doodley thing hanging around!

    Like

  17. Grace

    LOLLLLL SIMONNE!! You are PRICELESS!!!

    My god, when “V” asked about the speedcontrol, I thought I’d pee myself.

    Here’s one thing I’ve always wondered about men and their penises. Do they all like to stand in front of the mirror, twirling them, and shouting “Woo Whoo! I DID it!”

    😉

    Like

  18. Hee, thanks Grace.
    As for the penis question – I think so! Peace and I have decided to collectively shed some light on these penis mysteries, so stay tuned!!

    Like

  19. D. Peace

    I never wave my penis around in the mirror.

    I save that trick for parties and funerals ONLY.

    Like

  20. Grace, honey, there you go!

    Like

  21. I had a hearty laugh as I read your post. Extremely witty article. I must thank you for making me laugh . . . . it is a good beginning to a new day!

    Like

  22. Welcome Ritwik, a hearty laugh is the best way to begin any day if you ask me! (Not that many people do, but if they did, that would surely be what I would say!)

    Like

  23. Dawn

    No-one would miss it? Ahem.

    Like

  24. Yes, but you would! Right Mum?!!

    Like

  25. Dawn

    Did you have to name me?????

    Like

  26. Yep! 🙂 (Sooooo much funnier!)

    Like

  27. Pingback: Black Truffles, Chameleons, and the Odd Couple « into the quiet

  28. Hahahahahaha, very cool.

    Like

  29. PG

    Oooh I’ve not seen that post before, so I’m glad you included it in your latest blog, so I could have a laugh at it. You ARE witty beyond belief.

    I love it! Further to the comments, I got the whole ‘sex’ thing immediately, but you know me…I find the ‘sex thing’ in anything! 😉 It’s a gift.

    And I love the comments between you and your mum…very cute. Remind you of anyone? Hehehehe.

    xoxox

    Like

  30. Dawn

    No! They are not!

    Like

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