Theatre Reviews
Read my reviews and interviews for ‘Australian Stage’:
Brahms & Shostakovich: Gala: WASO
Hare Brain; Spare Parts Puppet Theatre
Taking Liberty: Ingle Knight
Presence: So Frenchy Productions
Interview with Robert Reid, Melbourne playwright: Portraits of Modern Evil
The Girls Stand Up: featuring Claire Hooper at The Comedy Lounge
The Mercy Seat, Neil LaBute
Far Away: Caryl Churchill, Black Swan Theatre Co
Quest: a Tell-Tale of the Heart: X-RoaDS COLlectIVE (Warren Herbu)
WASO at the Movies, conducted by Brett Kelly
Interview with Chris Kabay, Artistic Director of Yellow Glass Theatre
Dance a la Carte, a triple bill of contemporary dance
Baby Boomer Blues, Alan Becher
Books
Beat
Beat is about beats of time and what they mean: the beat of a heart; knowing someone for a brief moment and the impact this can have on your life; how short each life here can be. It explores the nature of relationships - with our parents, our spouse, our selves, our spirit. Beat is about a mother who holds on too tight and the consequences of that. It’s about a man who is forced to face the truth of his life and the vastness of his spirit. Beat is a love story. And it’s about a woman who is forced to confront her ego and uncovers her compassion.
Excerpt from Chapter Two
The force that split Claire Rossetti’s forehead open and obliterated her jaw was a man and he was lying crumpled and twisted half on her lap and half on the gear shaft, an arm flung casually across Adam as if they were old friends. The man was wearing a motorbike helmet painted orange and black. Adam’s head was resting on the window at a gentle angle as if he was deep in thought. Ahead was commotion. In the car with the new car smell of leather and polish a quiet calm was broken by an odd assortment of sounds that began to form a sort of curious harmony. Small, thick chunks of glass from the windscreen were falling everywhere, like spiked rain; over the mangled dash; from the body of the motorcyclist; from Adam’s mother’s head and shoulders; from the back seat and the roof, tinkling. There was a creaking sound, metallic and dull, as if the car itself was shaking out the glass and counting the broken bones - and there was a sonorous rasping sound that floated under all of this - an escaping of air through a hole that wasn’t there before and shouldn’t be there now. Soon the harmony faded away leaving one lone line of melody to carry on on its own; the rasping of air through a hole that shouldn’t be there; a body wrecked; requiem of a modern age.
Does My Vagina Look Fat In This? is for anyone who’s ever joined a gym and felt ridiculous, stood next to a model and felt suicidal, looked in the mirror and hated what they saw, opened a fashion magazine, turned on the TV, read the paper, went to the office, or just opened their eyes in the 21st century and felt like they just weren’t up to scratch and needed to laugh, cry, and do something about it.
Imagine, just imagine if it were considered desirable to have a fat soul housed in a fat body; Buddha would be the new Depp and half of Hollywood would be outcasts. This book is a guide - well sort of a guide - on how to eat, exercise, feed your spirit, and care for your soul in the 21st century. The Age of Aquarius is upon us, with all of its resplendent promises, such as the rebirth of feminine energy. This book takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the old Piscean, patriarchal energy and asks, nay, encourages the reader to take a leap of faith and jump into this new Age; to jump into their own truths and to grab hold of whoever’s next to them and take them too. It is a cross-generational, New Age, old-school, ultimate diet and health tool for faint-hearted feminists, frustrated fatalists, and anyone who’s ever dared to look at the most intimate parts of themselves. Hold onto your knickers!
Excerpt from Chapter Three: Nature Show
When I am alone I am not aware of my race or my sex, both in need of social contexts for definition. Maxine Hong Kingston
The door opened and in walked what could only be yet another model. She was at least five foot ten, about 40 kilos, had lips bigger than a camel’s labia, looked about as sharp as a wooden spoon, and was approximately twelve-years-old. Sandro and Leo made an attempt to appear casually disinterested in the ensuing stampede to get to her first. Leo won. Of course. He put a chiseled arm around her protectively (as if there was any real competition) and led her into the empty gym like a lamb to the slaughter. “Caitlin, this is my mate, Sandro.”
Sandro took her elongated fingers in his gristly, hairy ones and kissed her hand, “A pleasure to meet you, my dear.”
“Caitlin here is in the Miss Australia contest, aren’t you, love? Our Nadine is going to give her a hand.” Leo flicked his perfectly groomed noggin in the direction of my office. It was news to me. What was I supposed to do with her? Train her fat lips? Caitlin giggled and looked at Leo’s pecs through his sweat-stained shirt. It was a wonder those lips could hold in all the drool that must be accumulating. How did he meet these girls anyway?
“I’m good mates with Caitlin’s old man, aren’t I love?”
That answered that question.
“You want to meet Nadine?” Leo asked her, as if it was all about when she was available. Don’t mind me, Leo, I just work here.
“Nadine! You free?”
No.
“Coming!” I called out.
The introductions were made. I came up to her left tit. Sandro didn’t even say goodbye to me, let alone look at my arse on his way out. Then I was alone with her. Just me and the camel. Did I mention that I came up to her left tit? She sat in my office, in the truth room, and I wondered what the hell I could do for this child. I wanted to fatten her up. I wanted to tell her to get out while she still could. I wanted to put an arm around her and protect her from this cruel, sexist world. I wanted to rip those pouting lips from her perfect face and shove them up that altitudinous arse.
“So, Caitlin,” I asked, “when’s the contest?”
“In six weeks.”
I’d like to say that she had the voice of a four-year-old on helium, but it was sweet and lilting and made me hate her just that teensy bit more.
“What do you think you need to do for it in terms of your physique?”
“Huh?”
Deliverance! I tried again, “Which bits are fat, sweetie?”
“Oh!” Giggles. “My bum and thighs need to be really skinny, for the bikini part.”
The bikini part, of course, silly me.
“Ok, but how about we say toned, rather than skinny? Your bum and legs look perfect to me, Caitlin.”
“Oh, no, they’re not, look!”
Before I knew it she’d pulled her skintight sweats off and was standing ten centimeters away from me in the tiniest pink g-string I’d ever seen. Those lips were certainly not camel sized. She spun. Her bum looked like a stack-hat. Only harder. I was overwhelmed with the desire to poke it and then set it on fire so I’d never have to see it again.
“See!” She said, pulling her pants up.
Despite my malevolence I felt concerned. “Sweetie, you’re perfect. You don’t need to lose any weight at all, even as a model. I think you might actually be the most perfect-looking creature I’ve ever seen.”
She sighed sweetly, “I know.”
Malevolence levels rising, hackles bristling, concern fading. “Get up. Let’s start. There’s only so much you can humanly expect to do in six weeks, so you’ll have to work quite hard. And don’t expect miracles, okay?”
I put her straight on the 45-degree leg press and loaded up the weights. I didn’t give her time to talk or ask questions. Not my usual practice.
“This is a leg press, it’s one of the best exercises for toning your bum and legs.”
She pushed up on my count and the surprised look on her exquisite face was priceless, even if it did make me feel a little guilty.
“This is very heavy, Nadine.”
“Pooh! Its only twenty kilos, my grandmother can do that, now give me fifteen!”
We pushed on, through the leg press, four sets of lunges, three sets of squats, leg extensions, leg curls, ball curls, ball squats, leg lifts.
“How many sessions did you buy Caitlin?” I asked, in the middle of one grueling set of lunges.
“Oh, I don’t know, Leo said not to worry about paying as I’m a model and everything, he just said to do as many as I need.”
“I see, okay, we’re nearly finished, just five hundred and seventy-six more squats and we’re done.”
Later, just after Caitlin had dragged herself on her stomach across the gym floor by her hands and out the front door, tears staining her china-doll face, with me yelling “No pain, no gain sweetie!” after her, Leo walked into my office.
“Where’s Caitlin?”
“We’ve finished for today, she just left.”
“How did she go? Did she enjoy it?”
“Yeah, she loved it, walk in the park.”
“She’s got a chance at it, I reckon. Gorgeous, isn’t she? I wouldn’t mind sticking it to that one, let me tell you.”


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32 Comments
May 26, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Sounds fantastic Mon, I cant wait for it to come out so I can read some more !!! Goodluck
May 27, 2007 at 6:50 am
Thanks so much Kell! I was wondering if anyone had actually read the excerpts yet! Yay!
May 29, 2007 at 8:42 am
Very funny first excerpt, Simonne, and the second one is informative and interesting.
If the rest of the book is as good, it’ll be a fun read.
May 29, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Thanks John. It’s great to start getting some feedback. It’s pretty hard spending so long on and being so close to something and finally getting to the stage where you have to get it out there and let people look at it! So your positivity is much appreciated!
June 14, 2007 at 11:05 am
an excellent read, I can’t wait to be able to get a copy of the book.
Bill
June 14, 2007 at 2:15 pm
You’re too kind sir!
June 18, 2007 at 10:37 am
Very entertaining, thanks for letting me see your work mature. Keep sending me the emails so I remember to check in. I am hugely excited for you.
June 18, 2007 at 10:44 am
Thanks Susan! Will do, glad to have your support.
When’s the travel writing starting??
June 20, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I’d read it.
Karrie
June 21, 2007 at 12:33 am
That’s what I need to hear! Thank you.
June 23, 2007 at 2:51 am
When I travel some more! Haha. Am hoping for central Asia next with a quick duck into Iran but seems to be getting a tense. Need more money, my lotto plans do not seem to be panning out.
June 23, 2007 at 2:59 am
Damn lotto! Sounds exciting though!
July 6, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Hope you will publish in germany aswell! am looking forward to it!
July 20, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Your book sounds astonishing. Looking forward to hearing more about it as it grows, and reading it once it’s published.
July 21, 2007 at 10:22 am
Charlotte, that’s quite the compliment coming from you - I’ve just checked out your blog and it’s really wonderful! Thank you again.
December 21, 2007 at 7:54 pm
It’s worth it all just for this description…”had lips bigger than a camel’s labia” LOL…
December 22, 2007 at 5:25 am
Welcome Loubird
And thanks, that’s one of my favourite lines…!
May 5, 2008 at 4:53 am
Simonne, you have to put me on any e-mail list you may have concerning updates on your books.
“Does My Vagina Look Fat in this?” You’ll sell tons based on the title alone. And after reading that excerpt, I say you’ll sell tons more after people see the quality of writing inside.
The “Beat” excerpt is incredible. After being involved in one (or a few) too many car accidents myself, I’ve always said that the sound of an accident really is something to be experienced. Can I sanely suggest that you’ve made it a beautiful song?
May 5, 2008 at 5:00 am
Music to my ears! Thank you for your great comments Chris. Yes, I do love that title. The book needs a serious re-draft, and is on hold while I work on Beat, so is some way off yet.
I’m close to Beat right now, so your compliment lifted me up, a lot, thank you.
May 14, 2008 at 1:44 am
Oh Simonne, “Beat” sounds ever so good. I had seen the vagina excerpt but not this one. Is Beat the one you are working on now? I definitely want to read it. Puleeze!
Annie
May 14, 2008 at 2:38 am
Annie, I like compliments from you!! I only added the Beat stuff in recently as it’s a fairly recent project. Yes, this is one I’m now working on. If you beg a little harder I might let you read the second draft when it’s done
May 14, 2008 at 4:36 pm
You’re on! Maybe we’ll swap mss.?
Annie
May 15, 2008 at 1:28 am
Oo! Yes please Annie!
May 29, 2008 at 1:15 am
Simonne, these books will fly off the shelves! When will they be out? (No pressure ;))
PS: Great avatar
May 29, 2008 at 3:03 am
Oh, that’s very lovely to hear, thanks Sunili! I need to finish them first! Sigh! I’m getting there!
June 3, 2008 at 1:44 pm
[...] books [...]
June 29, 2008 at 4:57 am
[...] books [...]
July 26, 2008 at 7:39 pm
The chapter 2 excerpt of BEAT grabbed me in a rare way. Though I’m between projects at the moment… I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to write. Not everyone’s prose does that to me.
Nice Work!
August 11, 2008 at 7:26 am
[...] Writing [...]
August 17, 2008 at 6:41 am
Thanks Ken, I’m honoured indeed
September 4, 2008 at 4:05 am
So, I just read your excerpt from Beat, and I have to tell you I’m already thoroughly hooked. It gave me the rare and precious feeling that I’ve encountered a book that speaks straight to my soul. It’s the sort of excerpt that would make me go out to the car and scrounge under the seats to find enough change to buy the book. And then I would sit down somewhere and read it, ignoring all of my responsibilities until I was done. Can’t wait for this to be published.
October 13, 2008 at 3:20 am
[...] Writing [...]
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