Ok, I’ve done a few posts hither and thither over the past two years about health and fitness (that being the way I support my word addiction and all) and occasionally get the odd comment or email asking my opinion about something health related, so I thought I might do a wee post for writers… specifically, for writer’s bum.
What is writer’s bum? (I thought you’d never ask.)
First let me show you a startling near-to-accurate representation of a typical writer: 
You see the dominance of the head and legs and the lumpy, soon-to-be-redundant, torso? This unfortunate stature is all too common in writerly folk. It cometh from many gruelling hours spent hunkered over a computer keyboard in anxious procrastination. Hours, people. Hours.
And what becomes of the scriberly derriere?
Sigh.
It suffers, people. SUFFERS. It gets SAT on for almost its entire life. How would you like that? To be sat on for almost your whole life? Burdened by a great weight, feeling redundant, unappreciated, aware of your own brilliance yet unable to rise up and proclaim your rightful position in the world…. Oh wait, you’re a writer, you already know about that… Anyway, my point is, writers’ bums everywhere are suffering, and I’m here to help.
You see, when you sit for extended periods, your hip flexors (the muscles at the front of your hips) tighten up, and your glutes (ya bum, people) don’t do enough, (certainly not enough full range of motion stuff) and the whole area tightens up, which can lead to all sorts of issues, the most common of which are an aching lower back and headaches. (Not to mention what’s commonly known as ‘no bum’, ‘flat arse’, or ‘dinner-plate butt’.)
Simonne’s Top Five Tips for the Creative Keister:
1. Do a Glute stretch every 2 hours:
2. Do a Hip flexor stretch every hour:
3. Drink at least 1 litre of water per 50kg of body weight per day.
4. Set 45 minute reminders into your PC calendar, reminding you to get up and move around and do your stretches.
5. Exercise! Making sure you include some of these.
(Speaking of writers, the Varuna blog has a brand new post – check it out!)
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My name is Simonne Michelle-Wells. I'm a writer from Melbourne (originally from WA). I have a background in theatre and write theatre reviews for Australian Stage Online. In my day job I'm a speech writer. I've had short fiction published in Cottonmouth, Beyond Words, Box Magazine, The Naked Eye and the inaugural Emerging Writers' Festival Reader. I was awarded a residency at Varuna in 2008 for my first novel, and was the recipient of the 2009 Ada Cambridge Prize for biographical short story writing. I am also the blog administrator for the Varuna Alumni writers' Blog.
30 Comments
June 9, 2009 at 6:53 am
Booyah! I’d be a whale if I didn’t exercise every day. Yoga and pilates are also good for the combo of stretching and strengthening. After a day of ass-flattening computer-work I also love to do a good cardio sesh – jogging, incline walking, bike, elliptical, you name it. A great release for the tight chest and mush-brain induced by all that thinking too!
June 9, 2009 at 11:56 am
He he! Sounds like you need no help, m’dear!
It’s so good to do these stretches during the ass-flattening work 
Happy training!
June 9, 2009 at 7:04 am
I suspect Artist’s Bum is very closely related!
June 9, 2009 at 11:58 am
I suspect so…although I did picture you standing at the easel, in which case you need to make sure your glutes aren’t switched on constantly and that you’re using your deep pelvic floor muscles when you’re standing
June 10, 2009 at 3:26 am
ooh, and I meant to say, thank you very much for teh exercises.
June 9, 2009 at 8:08 am
I think this is why Gunter Grass writes standing up at a lectern.
June 9, 2009 at 8:08 am
…or so he claims, anyway.
June 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm
What a claim! What’s the reason behind it?
June 10, 2009 at 3:25 am
Good question – I did google it carefully, but couldn’t get his answer to that. But apparently he likes to walk up and down.
My office-bound daughter has suggested that standing burns more calories than sitting., too…Maybe I’ll get a lectern and hang the monitor on the wall.
June 9, 2009 at 11:00 am
I think the chocolate used for inspiration is also taking its toll… I sit on a ball which helps. Bouncing is good for jogging out ideas.
June 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm
He, he, yes, the big Chocolate can be a killer when it comes to writer’s bum (although it does help to counteract the whole flattening effect and begin to take it the other way…)!
June 9, 2009 at 11:43 am
Oh you brilliant writer/fitness guru you! Glute stretches here I come. My butt is already grateful.
June 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Shucks. There’s nothing like a grateful butt, eh?
June 9, 2009 at 2:04 pm
No wonder my bum is so keen to get up all the time just to check what is in the fridge (it may have changed since the last time we looked), and to run errands, and to cook dinner, do the laundry, get to the gym! All this time I thought that I was just procrastinating, but no, it is my bum’s quest to avoid becoming a pancake.
Hooray for my bum. It has been a huge support to me all these years.
June 10, 2009 at 1:57 am
Ha! That’s funny! Yes, I’ve seen your bum, Sandy and I know that you have nothing to worry about! What a considerate bum you have!
June 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
LOL….I love this…and I agree with Sandy…hooray for my bum too….kim
June 10, 2009 at 1:57 am
Go Kim’s bum go!
June 10, 2009 at 12:29 am
This is so true, Simonne, and so funny – not to mention so well timed! The cocoon season is here, and I think I’d be seriously tempted to hunker in the bunker were I not living in terror of catching an incurable case of Barge Arse.
I run… Not fast, and not always terribly far, but I run. I find it has more impact on my head than my bum, but I think they’re all in it together…
June 10, 2009 at 1:59 am
Running is great to avoid Barge Arse. And yes, it sounds like they’re all in it together…!
June 10, 2009 at 1:46 am
Hilarious! Thanks for the bumerly advice!
June 10, 2009 at 6:24 am
hey, where did you get that portrait of me?
June 10, 2009 at 6:26 am
Ha! Stole it.
June 11, 2009 at 9:04 am
Hey simonne
glad to find your blog. just in time for some good advice
June 11, 2009 at 11:21 am
Hi Nathan, thanks for stopping by
June 14, 2009 at 1:50 am
I bookmarked this post, Simonne but it’s not working. Despite the fact that I read it every day, my arse is still getting wider and my head baldier. Tomorrow I am going to try reading it and doing the exercises.
June 15, 2009 at 5:18 am
LOL. I think that I have the old writers bum for sure. I like your blog a lot. I am glad I found it, very good posts that are very well written.
September 22, 2009 at 11:39 am
Thank you
July 2, 2009 at 5:16 am
[...] Comments Alex has inspired some serious daydreaming today. About my bum, that is. Yes. I’m back on bums. Deal with it. I am one of those rarest of women who think their bum is a bit of alright. Ok… [...]
September 22, 2009 at 11:29 am
Okay, squeeze, release, squeeze release. Should I be standing up?
September 22, 2009 at 11:39 am
Um, ya-ha.