The key to our homecoming is found in the shadows. I used to try avoiding the shadows. Then I went through a phase of almost reveling in the darkness and getting stuck there. But despise them I don’t. I look upon those dark times with humble gratitude, both for what I found there, when it was too dark to see and I had to feel my way, and for what I discovered when I emerged into the light.
No optimism can be truly authentic if it hasn’t included the depths of despair. I’ve found myself here again lately, but it’s a different despair, or maybe the way in which I embrace the shadows has changed, but it is different. In this despair I can truly see the point of it; I can see the beauty in the darkness, because now I know how much further it spits me out onto the path of my journey. It throws me forward in great, painful strides. The pain lets me know I’m alive and brings me the gift of compassion. And it propels me forward in my soul journey.
I can’t say “yes, that’s why I’m here!” first without a great search for what fills my heart. That search is full of shadows and so I am grateful for all of it, as here I am, on the brink, and here I sit, right now, in the shadow of my ego and I rejoice as well as despair. The pain of sluicing it from me like a great stain will soon be replaced by the joy of my arrival. So, for now, here I sit, in the shadows again, breathing in the darkness, giving thanks to the ache as I wait for the light to descend, as it always, always does.
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17 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 9:15 pm
I love your perspective! You are right, the light will over take the shadows and the shadows hold many lessons. You can see much in the dark if only you look! Excellent post!
December 29, 2007 at 3:01 am
It is rare to embrace darkness (except retrospectively) but, you are right, we need to do so (and, you know, a man dying of thirst will find sweetness in the taste of lemon).
December 29, 2007 at 5:28 am
merry christmas all, especially to you simone. hoping to play devil’s advocate in the new year too!
http://www.weby.ch/fotos/celebrity/david-beckham.php
December 30, 2007 at 12:41 am
I love the first line of this. it reminds me a great deal of the novel Red Dragon, as one of the characters in that is going through a Becoming of their own, and because it’s a novel that helped me realize all the negative, nasty things in my head that I was leaving unsaid and bottled up and unresolved were vital to my growth as a person, that there was a degree of personal empowerment that I was throwing away by trying to think happy thoughts all the time.
it was my mom, whom I still fear and awe as if she was Kali incarnate, that got me reading Thomas Harris novels like Red Dragon, and it is from her that I get my strength-in-anger.
December 30, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I’m in a similar spot. Although more sick of these periods than anything else. I just don’t remember feeling this way when I was younger and I often wonder if it is due to an increased self awareness that comes from getting older, becoming more mature. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who rides this roller coaster from time to time. Your perception is inspiring.
Thanks for the honesty in this post, kim
December 31, 2007 at 7:40 am
Thanks tobeme. My perspective has changed so much recently. This is going to be an amazing year!
Hi Oscarandre, as always your words are so eloquent.
Merry Christmas to you too DA.
Hey Doc, I have read Red Dragon, but actually don’t really remember it, sorry! Yes, acknowledging the shadow side is pretty important for us to be able to move forward.
Hi Kim, I’ve been struggling with what comes with more awareness too, but I’m finally seeing that struggling is what makes the shadows dark. When you stop struggling and open your eyes in Love and not fear, the darkness is illuminated for what it really is - just fear - and fear itself is an illusion. Much much love to you Kim as you ride the roller coaster - remember to holler loudly as you travel!
December 31, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Oh, Simonne…this is so wise: “No optimism can be truly authentic if it hasn’t included the depths of despair.”
As one who has also traversed her shadows pretty extensively (and parked there a time or two for a season), this post speaks volumes. Something about escavating those dark places inside of ourselves - embracing and accepting them, even, in order to heal - is so transformational.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. This is going to be an awesome year!! Happy New Years!
December 31, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Hey Simonne, that’s some ominous, scary sh*t. I get what you’re saying and I see you have the strength to get through it - you’re a brave girl to throw yourself into the chasm this way. It’s what I love most about you.
Annie
January 1, 2008 at 4:16 am
Simonne…What a post…! For me, dealing with soul shadows and periods of Yin excess is alot like cleaning slimy, rotten veggies out of the fridge crisper…Did that yesterday and I almost…well…you get the hint.
We seem to be quite in synch alot these days sister…I’m slowly creeping out of my Yin cave towards the Light myself…(actually seem to be “painting” my way out of it). This is the first winter that I’ve spent up North in a while…and my SAD started kicking my butt a bit. Thank goodness the days are getting longer!
Love you girl! I want to see that Light of yours - solar plexus, heart chakra, third eye…you name it!!!!!
Oh…and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! xoxo
January 1, 2008 at 4:25 am
Happy New Year Girlie!!!
January 1, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Grace, Muse, I had a feeling you two might resonate with this post. Wise and worldly women that you are. Muse, we do seem to mirror each other from across the world, and for some reason I find that incredibly comforting. Love you, sister.
Annie, my mum calls me brave all the time. She gave an amazing speech at the wedding and said she’d never met anyone who’d done more inner work than me… maybe that just means I’m a bit crazy rather than brave! Thank you for saying that
Happy New Year to you too Kim!!
January 2, 2008 at 3:10 am
You have such a beautiful take on life…I really, REALLY have come to enjoy visiting your site…it’s like a breath of fresh air, which always seems to come at the perfect time!
Good luck on making it to the light
January 2, 2008 at 8:14 am
Thanks Romi, that’s a lovely thing to say.
I’ll give you air and you give me laughs and that’s what’s so wonderful about the uniqueness of every soul on this amazing planet
Sx
January 2, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Being in the depths makes me appreciative of the tiny pinpricks of light that make their way in - a funny joke, my dog lying next to me, a well prepared meal. Little reminders that life still has jewels to offer.
January 4, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Simonne - I really miss this blog and your writing. I’m sorry I’ve been away.
This entry was brilliant, heartfelt, and completely true. Thank you, like always.
To put it another way: Strikes and gutters. Ups and downs.
January 10, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Thank you Peace, welcome back
June 10, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Simonne,
You speak with the voice of one who has ‘been there’. If you have ‘been there’ yourself, you recognize the tone and meter of someone familiar with the depths of darkness.
There is an almost peaceful respect and acceptance of the nature of it, because when you are drowning deep in its pool, you can only swim to the surface if you embrace its power and its purpose; that its existence is necessary and eternal. It means ‘hell’ and it means ‘well’, if you are willing to take the one from the other.
When I was there, it showed my things I never imagined I would ever have to see — about myself, about life, about everything. It was hard for me because I only embraced the ‘good and the light’; the darkness was my amnesia. I could not remember it, nor did I want to.
In the end, I gave it its due, respectfully, and it gave me back my life. And, of course, I am bigger, better and stronger than I ever was because of it.
Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom about a thing it takes ‘a certain knowing’ to be wise about…
Mx
Melana, these words; “In the end, I gave it its due, respectfully, and it gave me back my life” speak volumes to me. I have no doubt of how soul-giving your dark journeys have been. Much love, Sx
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