Boobs, glorious boobs

This getting married thing is filled with some interesting challenges. The latest we’ve had to face is how to tell people to leave their rug rats at home. We both adore children, but at a small wedding, we both think it’s best if only our nieces and nephews are in attendance, but telling other parents to leave their spawn behind must be done with a certain amount of panache. (It’s lucky I have panache. I bought some years ago at a flea market because I always knew the day would come when I would truly need it. )

My own personal challenge has been achieving that busty look I want for my wedding dress. It’s proving more difficult than I ever dreamed it would be. I mean, seriously, one should not have to work this hard for a little cleavage. Sigh. And it’s not even cleavage that I’m after, just a wee swell would be fine. At the first dress fitting the dressmaker told me to go away and buy lingerie that would “enhance” my bust. Enhance? Enhance what? I took her advice and bought not one, but TWO lots of padding for each modest boobie and humbly presented my wares to her on Saturday for the second fitting. As she was rummaging around trying to manhandle two lots of padding, a bra two sizes too big, a dress with a serious amount of pins sticking out of it, and my modest boobies, I had to stop and admire her tenacity. This woman is almost as determined as I am that I’m going to have boobs on my wedding day. Thank goodness.

The next idea is to sew one lot of padding to the dress itself, take in the actual bra, affix the second lot of padding to my modest bosom with superglue and then stitch the whole contraption to the dress. Not bad eh? CJ might have a bit of a time on the wedding night, but as long as I remember to take some glue remover with me, I’m sure he’ll work it out.

24 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Humour, Love, Sex, Wedding, Writing

24 responses to “Boobs, glorious boobs

  1. heh. wonderful post!
    Humour is something one has to be gifted with. You surely are.
    I, unfortunately, never found it in any flea market! ;)

    Really like your writing…

  2. I agree that getting married is full of challenges, but you seem to be rising – swelling? – to the occasion. We also asked parents to leave their children behind. It’s perfectly fair to keep your wedding to family and adult friends only.

    You’re joking about the superglue, right?

  3. Doktor Holocaust

    Nothing says “wedded bliss” quite like superglued flesh and the scent of solvents.

    so, about how much panache does it take to tell people their offspring are unwelcome, per person?

  4. Welcome Narziss, thanks for the compliment :)
    Charlotte, that’s good to know, I was feeling a bit mean about it. (Yes, joking about the glue, I really must stop exaggerating.)
    DrH, funny funny. As for your panache question; about 20ml per person.

  5. Deb

    have you tried a water bra yet? When I wear one (or when I did, I haven’t seen it in about a year) I look like I have substantially more than the two mosquito bites I otherwise have!

  6. poseidonsmuse

    Oh Simonne! That was a very cute post! Just be careful with “the girls” however, that superglue has me a bit worried! I’d hate if you were minus a nipple or two on your wedding night! Lol!

    As far as children at weddings go…I also did the polite…”adult guests only please…” Fortunately enough, my entire family was pretty much at the older teenage stage anyways (which was convenient).

    It sounds like you are still having fun planning your wedding nuptial…Glad to hear it. Keep your good spirits/humour up! Love ya girl! xoxo

  7. Hi Simonne! Long time no…..

    It’s your wedding and you should have whatever you want – kids, no kids, your own families kids – absolutely whatever. Don’t worry your pretty head about it another minute. You deserve the best, as do we all eh?

    The thoughts about boobs and bras – geez, you got me going now! I think you might be the only one who could induce me to spend an hour looking at the history of bras, corsets and bustiers!

    I’ll leave you with this iffen you’re interested:

    http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article2864439.ece

    Peace, love and support. (smiling!)

  8. Very funny Post.
    And I think flea markets and antique stores are just about the only places to find panache any more. It’s a rare item. 20ml per person is very generous. You should save some, you might need a bit for dealing with relatives at the reception.

  9. V-

    You crack me up. I’m on the other end of the spectrum. Trying on dress after dress, wishing I was just a cup sized smaller. It reminds of a time back in my twenties when I needed a strapless bra and a girlfriend recommended using duck tape. It worked like a charm …until later that night when it was time for the tape to come off… :-(

  10. heh. heheheh.

    –smacks self on head–
    –bites tongue–

    lol.

  11. I’d be happy to give you some of my cleavage, sweetie! My two cents on the rug rats and weddings – they don’t mix all that well. I think most people know that, but a little panache never hurt…so it’s probably a well-spent purchase!

  12. Gosh, I think barely there boobies are HOT. Are you sure you don’t want to make the dress fit the real you instead of making you fit the dress?

  13. Red

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your guests to leave their snot-nosed ankle biters at home. And yes, that’s how I’d put it!
    No, really . . I wouldn’t. You do want guests there, right? There’s nothing wrong with asking them to leave the kids at home. By themselves .. in a closet.
    As far as the boobie issue goes. What goes best with a wedding? Cleavage of course! I dont have any advice for you as my boobs are about as big as my head .. but I have found to get ample cleavage, a corset, baby!
    Either way, whatever you decide, have fun.

  14. Deb! I forgot about the water bra! I have one, but without straps it doesn’t really work so I think I’ll stay with all the mechanics we currently have in place!
    Muse, you’re funny! Thanks hon :)
    Ruby, that’s cool, thank you. Sorry I’ve been so quiet of late, have been finding it hard to put the blogging time in that I used too lately, but I still send you loving thoughts often x
    Sylvain, you’re a wise man with good advice, yes I better put some aside.
    V! That’s hysterical!
    Theo, I know, what else can you say really?
    Righto OB, hand it over!
    Kiki, I agree that they can be hot, and I do like my athletic body, but yes, this dress needs something and I looked totally and completely flat in it without assistance! Will post photos after the wedding to prove it to you! (And to show off!)
    Red, you’re not fussed about children I’m guessing?! Boobs as big as your head? Wow… awe-filled silence… wow…

  15. Doktor Holocaust

    noted. are you buying your panache off the internet, by chance? I coul duse a supply meself.

    and I wasn’t kidding about the glue-and-solvent things. many of my fondest romantic memories, from back in my college years when i was Undergraduate Holocaust, involve duct tape. I still keep a roll on my nightstand, in case she ever calls.

  16. chughes

    Have you considered tape like models use? The glueing sounds rather frightening.

  17. reggiehudson

    One Old Dumb ass Male Perspective…..
    Long time no see,little sis. I have been a professional Booboloigist for many, many,years. Hell if I had a pair I’d never leave the house. In summation I’d like to close with the statement, “I’ve never come face to face with a bad boob”. Every Boob I’ve ever encountered, treated me with the utmost respect and I have nothing but the highest regard for Boobs. Seriously though sis, May God grant you a marvelous wedding and a marvelous union. Who cares if you have to scrape off a little glue….hmmm, maybe you should try honey as an adhesive.

    Lord bless you sis,

    reg

  18. hey simonne,

    finally something i got, so i don’t have to be jealous :) but i am damn sure u gonna look just great on ur weddingday. n not only then! u got that something!

  19. Ah, the joys of wedding dresses! I had to get mine taken up by about a foot and lifted at the shoulders…obviously 5ft2 ladies aren’t supposed to get married!

  20. Simonne, there is no doubt what so ever you will be a drop dead gorgeous bride. I wouldn’t worry about CJ being able to figure things out on the wedding night, no matter what!!!!! He will find a way.
    I hope you day is perfect and is glorious in every way.
    My best to both of you.
    Bill

  21. Good luck in your quest for boobs. And I recommend a “must be THIS tall to consecrate” sign (with Mickey Mouse holding his hand 5 feet off the ground) as a method for keeping the wee ones away. No, you’re not wrong for disallowing kids at your ceremony: children are quite annoying.

    Sorry I haven’t been around much. I hope your wedding plans are moving forward and everything goes smoothly.

    Best. :)

  22. DrH, I believe you!
    Hey there Christine :) Yeah, not enough to tape I don’t think! Not really using glue, I promise!
    Hi there resident Boobologist! They’ll be fine, you’re right! They’d be happier in a slinky number with no padding, but there you go, they just can’t have that this time!
    Sandra, yay for you! And thank you honey :)
    ha ha! Tanya, I know that now! Yes, they took a fair bit off the bottom!
    Bill, my friend, thank you!!
    Thanks Peace :) No need for apologies from you, you’re welcome any time my friend.

  23. hmmm sounds like men for mound has a new job on it’s hands…..look is a cleavage? is it a boob? no, it’s a proper right tit, Mound Man…now if we can only find his sidekick boobboy they could both hide out in the dress for the ceremony…
    Are you waxing all over by the way?

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