July 2, 2009

I’m talking bums again…

bumsAlex has inspired some serious daydreaming today. About my bum, that is. Yes. I’m back on bums. Deal with it.

I am one of those rarest of women who think their bum is a bit of alright. Ok… maybe not quite the bum I have right this second, but the bum I had in 2007 was alright and that wasn’t that long ago. I might (and frequently do) complain about my height, my small breasts, my nose, my skin, my hair, my legs… shall I continue? But my bum? We get on ok, my bum and I. We’re mates.

When I was at uni I owned a pair of jeans I loved so much I would happily have been buried in them. They ended up in the bin, those jeans, but by god did I get my money’s worth out of them. I wore them so much that the knees and the backside were completely gone. And I was so confident in my little round behind that I nonchalantly wore a teenie tiny g-string under them and pretty much wore them every day. (The jeans – not the same undies – just to make that clear.) Not that I wasn’t aware of the attraction that my behind, you know, attracted, in those jeans. Oh. Yes. I was aware.

The thought of wearing a bottom-exposing garment now fills me with horror. But then, I guess I’m no longer 45kgs with a genetically freakish butt. I’m no longer 19 either. Perhaps that has something to do with it…

Of course, my derrière underwent another transformation when I was 30 and decided that body-building might be a fun thing to do. (Curses on my damn naivety!) There’s not a lot of fun to be had in body-building, but I will say this – my butt looked a treat. It was back to its firm, round, 19 year old glory. I used to twirl around as fast as I could in front of the mirror, just to catch a glimpse of its gloriousness.

Of course, it’s 36 now. It belongs to a writer and has been gravely neglected. My Osteopath bemoans the strength in my infamous cheeks, and is forever trying to ’switch them off’ so some of my other muscles can actually do something occasionally. Still, I think my relationship with my keister has been a rather healthy one, all things considered.

…I promise I’ll stop blogging about bums soon…

June 29, 2009

The Sound of My Neighbourhood

Obama is on the TV
I thought for a minute he was talking to me
But the world – on the TV – will always be there, right?
But our espresso machine is ready to go, right now
It gleams – at me
And I beam – at it
And I feel safe on our Ikea rug
Blowing air across my Costa Rican blend,
Robust, full-bodied, like a drug
More reliable than a human friend.

The door clicks behind you
And the house rearranges itself in the space you leave behind
Sounds like – ((sigh in))
And I wait to see
what the day will find
Because morning is open for business.
Morning had gotten up early next door
Widow weeping under an intolerant sun for the husband detained
Widow not really, except for a husband stained
He’s been detained
And the woman searches the bins
While the child sounds like I’m hungry

Next door to widow weeping
In the house that’s never sleeping
Live Mr and Mrs Don’t-know.
Mr Don’t-Know’s fist supposedly
Spelunked it’s way through Mrs Don’t-Know’s skull,
His foot canyoneering down her ribs
But we don’t talk of such things
Because we don’t really know.
Sounds like shhhhh

Next door to the Don’t Knows
Is the migrant woman who grieves.
Sounds like oh_ my_ god
And wears so much black that she is black and I feel black every time I look at her
Even though I’m white as a Barbie doll,
White as a diamond.
So white I sparkle and I offend myself.

In the middle of it all -
Like the world congealed
Because someone left the lid off compassion unsealed -
Is a park that curls up brown at the edges
Aint no kindness in these hedges
Just a brown park
Under a turquoise scrim
And in the screeching din
Of cockatoos
I kick off my shoes
and draw the curtains of my face.

I can smell the coffee from our house
A precise 30ml extraction of pure, washed Arabica beans
It makes me want to be smaller than I am
It draws me up, and it draws me in
And I feel myself rushing through the porta-filter
Getting smaller and smaller with all that hot air
Until all that is left is

I’m hungry_ Shhhh_ oh my God_ ((sigh in))

June 27, 2009

Dancer Dreaming

The online tributes to Michael Jackson are flying and dancing about the internet and this one, written by Maxine Clarke, is just perfect. Go forth, read it now. I’ll wait for you.

Okay, okay, it’s okay, breathe. Here’s a tissue.

I grew up with Michael Jackson. We all did. The world without him will never be as beautiful, nor as interesting. And yet I have no doubt that where he is now is making him so much happier than being here ever did. Do I think he’s resting in peace? No. I’m pretty sure he’s dancing in it…

Moonwalking MJmichael-jackson

June 25, 2009

15 Books in 5 Minutes

hamletIt’s time to hop on the old meme train! A good’n has been doing the rounds lately: it’s the 15 books in 15 minutes meme, which I’ve changed to 15 books in 5 minutes because I don’t have a spare 15 minutes to sit and think about it, and hey, if I can’t think of 15 books I’ve read that will always stick with me in under 15 minutes then clearly I haven’t read enough.  Gosh that was a long sentence.

So here’s my list:

1. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this series. The last time wasn’t long ago. My mother read it to me before I could read and I’ve had an intense love affair with it ever since. I have a 1925 edition bought for me by my best friend when we were happily delving into mountains of old books in Hay-on-Wye in Wales.

2. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott Again, a book given to me by my mother. It was the first time I’d experienced a book ALL about women and I loved it.

3. It by Stephen King This book scared me more than any other book or film in that genre since. Mostly because after reading it when I was about 13, I haven’t been able to return to the genre. I have also never stood on a drain, ever again, and will not, for the rest of my life. To say that this book has stuck with me is a HUGE understatement!

4. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck I think this was the the first book that led me to an awareness of what good writing is and the sort of ride it can take you on. I was quite young when I read it, but old enough to appreciate the writing and the incredible characterisations.

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with this book. The darkness, the cruelty, the windswept romance of it draws me in, and the feminist in me recoils, not matter how much I try to put it in historical context. There’s something horribly brilliant about it and it’s always stuck with me.

6. Ferney by James Long This is an incredible, eternal love story. It really struck a deep chord in me. Maybe it’s because of my Buddhist beliefs in reincarnation, but a love story that spans lifetimes really got to me. The historical aspects of it are very fulfilling. I’ve given it to family and friends because it effected me so much and so far no-one else has been touched like I was, so maybe it just fits me like an old jumper. I’ve read it several times and could happily read it again.

7. Saturday by Ian McEwan The craft of this book opened my eyes as a writer. It had a tangible effect on my first novel. It made me stop and think about the craft. The long sweeping sentences, paragraphs long, and yet the entire book spans an hour? That’s tricky stuff, and it’s such an absorbing, satisfying, suspenseful read.

8. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver Another book I just wanted everyone around me to read. I devoured it. Every word. I underlined. I nodded. I cried. I wished I’d written it. I loved every devastating word.

9. The Female Eunch by Germaine Greer I got mad when I read this. Real mad. Mad it hadn’t been handed to me when I was a girl. Mad that so few people I know have read it. Especially men. It’s brilliantly written and horribly real.

10. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee The craft of this book is ridiculously brilliant. When I need to see perfect dialogue, I flip it open. Every page is covered with it. So much about this book touched me on so many levels; as a writer, as a reader, as a human soul in this world we live in.

11. Benang by Kim Scott This Miles Franklin winner was a recent read, so sticks with me for that reason, but it was another of those books that put a fire in my belly. I rang my mother and asked her why I wasn’t taught any of our Indigenous history at school, like it was her fault! This book is not an easy read. The structure is complex and takes a very circuitous route. But, oh, my, god, it’s worth it.

12. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger My year 9 high school English teacher recognised my hunger and used to give me extra reading and assignments and this book was one of those. I remember reading it and thinking how different the protagonist’s experience was to my own teenage experience! I was amazed and quietly proud that my teacher had given it to me. It felt subversive and very very adult. I haven’t read it since, but it’s stuck with me very clearly all these years.

13. A Mercy by Toni Morrison Another recent read, this book left me weeping uncontrollably on the loungeroom floor. I tried to pull myself together and then realised it was pointless and let myself blubber for a long time. If every boy born to this earth was given a copy of this book, the world would be a very different place, I’m sure. The final chapter of this book is so incredibly gut-wrenching it shifts you on your axis and you are never the same.

14. The Turning by Tim Winton I LOVE this book. I savoured every word. I slowed down as I neared the end. What a master story-teller Winton is. There is a description of female adolescence in this book that is unlike anything I’ve ever read. The fact that a man wrote blows me away.

15. Hamlet by William Shakespeare This surprised me, this one; that in my allotted 5 minutes, Shakespeare would slip in, but here he is. I had to study this in both English and Eng Lit at high school and then again in Language and Culture and in Theatre at University, so I know this text, believe me! It’s another love/hate relationship, but it has stuck with me and undoubtedly always will.

on’t take too long to think about it. List 15 books you’ve read that will always stick with you — the first 15 you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.

June 23, 2009

Let’s Get Personal

bundlingMy new cyber friend, Di, has inspired me to get personal. So I hereby advise you to avert your eyes post-haste if you have any disinclination to talk of ovaries, pee-sticks, and menstrual cycles.

I knew you’d stick around. It was the pee-sticks wasn’t it? Pee-sticks. Yup. PEE-sticks. It’s just one of those words you can’t help but want to stick around for.

So, CJ and I are trying to fall pregnant. Problem is I’m 36 and have POCS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), so the odds aren’t looking too crash hot. I’ve had all my hormones tested and apparently all is working well enough. Except that I only seem to be ovulating every second month, which gives us 6 chances a year, which…. is shit, really. On top of that, my cycles vary from 24 to 40+ days, so working out when I ovulate is a barrel of laughs.

I was explaining all this to The Baby Whisperer (TBW) in Canberra over the weekend. Yes. It’s true. I know an honest-to-goodness baby whisperer. Or, if there is only one, then yes, I know THE baby whisperer. She just so happens to be my Aunt. She charms the pants (nappies) off babies. You should see her go. Like the clappers. But. You know. Slow and cooey clappers.

So, I was telling TBW that we’ve bought the ovulation kits, but at $50 a pop and with only 7 PEE-sticks in each kit, with a 40 day cycle we’ve worked out we’re gonna need more than friggin’ 7 PEE-sticks per month. I mean, come on people, what about us FREAKS?!

Anyhoo, turns out TBW does more than, you know. Whisper. Because she up and funded my PEE-stick exigency!! What a champion for the cause! She deposited PEE-stick money in my account! Just because…. you know, she loves me, n’ all that. Jeez. It’s enough to make a hormonal gal cry. (It could, of course, be for purely selfish, baby whispering purposes – you know the more there are, the more a’charmin’ she can go – but a reason’s a reason, right?)

June 19, 2009

Breathing

Just a quick post before I head off to our nation’s capital for the weekend to celebrate my nephew’s second birthday.

tim_winton_193x300I whooped for joy and threw my arms up in the air in our favourite café at breakfast this morning because I heard on the radio that Tim Winton had won the Miles Franklin Award for Breath. I’m so pleased.  The more I read of him the more his talent amazes me, makes me try harder, work longer, breathe deeper, and keep pushing on. He’s amazing. As much as I enjoyed The Slap overall, ultimately, for me, it was a disappointing read. The female characters just didn’t do it for me.

I’m on a Toni Morrison diet right now, so Mr. Winton will have to wait a bit for my next foray into his stuff. I’m not sure why the Morrison diet, it’s just where my heart is at right now I guess. I’ve just written a rather leftist, feminist short story that no doubt my mother will love, but not sure at this stage about anyone else! Did Morrison inspire it? I guess so!

Anyway, I best be off and pack my bag, because this gorgeous fella awaits me. JJ005

See you on the other side of the weekend!

June 16, 2009

I am

This post was inspired by this. Thanks Angela.

lake yoga

My mind is often a crazy thing. It takes me down some dark and convoluted turns that lead to wondrous places. It broods over calamities for so much longer than is healthy. It gets stuck, fixated on how other people feel about things because, for some reason, this is what my brain really wants to know. I don’t just want to analyse another person’s feelings, I want to feel them. Often times this is what drives my writing. But it’s also what leads to the problems in my writing. This outpouring of empathy, of feeling, can swamp the story; it wallows in it, weighed down, waterlogged.

I have no doubt, though, of how much it helps me in my job as a weight loss consultant. I know how my clients are feeling in their struggle to be free of the fat suit that weighs them down in every conceivable way. I validate but don’t excuse the behaviour that got them there. I listen and I advise and I allow them to remember what they truly deserve, because ultimately, that’s where they’re going wrong.

And then, at the end of the day, I’m tired. My brain hurts. I’m tired from feeling all these feelings that don’t belong to me. I get out my notebook and I mine these feelings, these women, these events, this current I feel under my feet, for stories. I mine. I muse. I write. And then I lie on the floor with a rolled up towel under my spine, tourmalines at my feet. I close my eyes and I focus on my breath. This is the only time of the day that I truly come home. To myself. And out of myself so that I can connect to the space around me; the bits of me that aren’t me, which go such a long way to defining who I actually am. I am part of everything, but I really only come to know that when I shut everything out. I am a sponge and I am a preacher. I am a scribe and I am a witness. I am tired and I am stimulated. In this world I am 36 years of memories and stories. Out of it my story is eternal.

June 13, 2009

Writing Motherhood

baby 1

I’m a 36 year old, so far childless, woman. Most of my friends are already mothers. All of them tell me nothing on this earth compares to motherhood; once you become a mother, nothing else will ever be as important. Pre-motherhood, many of them used to complain about women who only talked about their children, like there was nothing more important, entertaining, or topical than their own spawn. These same friends now do exactly that. One of them openly recognises it and announces with a grin that she doesn’t care one bit, that nothing captivates her like her own son. But none of these women are writers.

I consider writing my profession, yet I earn no money from it, and perhaps never will. I’m not sure that anyone who works in a career that does pay money can understand what drives this sort of vocation. It takes up more of my waking (and oft times, sleeping) thoughts and daydreams than anything else in my life, including my soul mate and my desire to have a baby. And I can’t imagine this changing. But apparently it will. And honestly, I’m not doubting for one minute the all-consuming experience of motherhood. But nor can I doubt what my writing means to me, the place it has in my life.

I’m sure the two will just fit together, like siblings who fight for their parents’ affections, but love each other and live together in a manner unlike any other relationship on earth. But how? How will this coming together occur, this dance  that starts off shaky and unsure and ends up with a unique rhythm all of its own? How much help will it need from me? Will it just happen on its own?

One of the writers doing a Fellowship when I was doing my residency at Varuna told me that before her son was born she’d been commissioned to do a children’s book, but her son came early, so she used one hand to breastfeed and the other hand to type the book. She wrote it in six weeks.

This story fills me with hope. It makes me smile, this tenacity that writers have. This abilty to push on in the face of ridiculous odds. Whomever it was who said we’re a sensitive bunch got that wrong, didn’t they?

June 9, 2009

Writer’s Bum

Ok, I’ve done a few posts hither and thither over the past two years about health and fitness (that being the way I support my word addiction and all) and occasionally get the odd comment or email asking my opinion about something health related, so I thought I might do a wee post for writers… specifically, for writer’s bum.

What is writer’s bum? (I thought you’d never ask.)

First let me show you a startling near-to-accurate representation of a typical writer: Flat writer

You see the dominance of the head and legs and the lumpy, soon-to-be-redundant, torso? This unfortunate stature is all too common in writerly folk. It cometh from many gruelling hours spent hunkered over a computer keyboard in anxious procrastination. Hours, people. Hours.

And what becomes of the scriberly derriere?

Sigh.

It suffers, people. SUFFERS. It gets SAT on for almost its entire life. How would you like that? To be sat on for almost your whole life? Burdened by a great weight, feeling redundant, unappreciated, aware of your own brilliance yet unable to rise up and proclaim your rightful position in the world…. Oh wait, you’re a writer, you already know about that… Anyway, my point is, writers’ bums everywhere are suffering, and I’m here to help.

You see, when you sit for extended periods, your hip flexors (the muscles at the front of your hips) tighten up, and your glutes (ya bum, people) don’t do enough, (certainly not enough full range of motion stuff) and the whole area tightens up, which can lead to all sorts of issues, the most common of which are an aching lower back and headaches. (Not to mention what’s commonly known as ‘no bum’, ‘flat arse’, or ‘dinner-plate butt’.)

Simonne’s Top Five Tips for the Creative Keister:

1. Do a Glute stretch every 2 hours:

Glute1Glute2

2. Do a Hip flexor stretch every hour:

Hipflexor1Hipflexor2

3. Drink at least 1 litre of water per 50kg of body weight per day.

4. Set 45 minute reminders into your PC calendar, reminding you to get up and move around and do your stretches.

5. Exercise! Making sure you include some of these.

(Speaking of writers,  the Varuna blog has a brand new post – check it out!)

June 3, 2009

Emerging Writers’ Festival… more stuff

Okay, so here’s the promised follow-up post on the EWF.

I’ll stick my contribution to my own panel discussion The Great State Divide at the end, so you can choose to ignore it if you so desire! In the mean time, here’s some wonderful feedback about it written in Reeling and WrithingThe excellent State Divide panel started late and should have run at least another half-hour longer – it was a pity to bring these people from all over the country and only allow them about eight minutes each to speak (less for some, regrettably.) Simonne Michelle-Wells’ presentation in particular was remarkable… (Thanks Genevieve!)

My two favourite panels over the weekend were The Best Ways Forward with Steven Amsterdam, Rijn Collins, Stu Hatton, and Pooja Mittal, and Letters to the Editor with Luke Devenish, Kathryn Heyman, Jennifer Mills, Daniel Ducrou, and Tim Sinclair. The Best Ways Foward looked at the merits of the different ways of getting your stuff out there. I must admit that I could easily have listened to Pooja Mittal for many hours! Her advice was not to sit on things for too long. Yes, it’s necessary to get through the other end of the honeymoon period (where what you think you’ve written is actually what you have written) so you can effectively edit your stuff, but if you edit forever you’ll never put anything out there. “Statistically, you’ll have a win if you have enough stuff out there!”

Steven Amsterdam, whose book is out now, mused that the workshops he did through his Masters, and still does, were invaluable tools for sharing ideas and having people with different points of view etc comment on his stuff. What an interesting background he’s had! If you get a chance to hear him speak, I highly recommend it.

Speaking with Luke Devenish, one of the Festival Ambassadors, was a lovely experience (it’s always a wonderful thing to meet such successful products of Perth! (see my panel talk below)), and I hope I get to pick his big brain some time soon!

Here’s a pic of Angela from Literary Minded doing some cutting edge live blogging at The Page Parlour (where loads of fabulous journals and zines were displayed and for sale).  And one of Luke Devenish hogging the microphone again in the Letters to the Editor panel.

Live blogging at Page Parlour

Live blogging at Page Parlour

Luke hogging the microphone again!

Luke hogging the microphone again!

Here’s my panel talk, prompted by: The interstate panellists will be set a challenge to discover the unique voice of their State. Is there one? And what does this say about the Australian voice?

This is a problematic topic in itself because every writer has a unique voice, regardless of where they’re from. It’s problematic, too, because while I think there is a distinct Australian voice, I’m not completely convinced about distinctive State voices. Not that I am by any means an authority, and you’ll notice that by the end of my 7 minutes, I have pretty much convinced myself that there IS a unique West Australian voice. But I wonder, really, if that the WA experience and voice is really so different to the rest of Australia? Perhaps you can answer that.

For me, if there is indeed a unique voice of Western Australia, it’s a dark and brooding one, born of lurking dangers and an insidious guilt and anger that covers every corner of the land and buries itself inside the Western Australian psyche like a cancer. Often our literary style is one that is pared back and pared back until all that remains is an unsettling foreboding that anchors itself to the story.

Perth is the most isolated city in the world, and WA is a State of rugged coastlines, searing deserts, deathly creatures, and vast vestiges of unimaginable remoteness. Around Perth, where I come from, and the South East and West coasts of WA, is Noongar country. The history of this land and of these Indigenous peoples is one of great destruction, violence, and death, as well as resilience, pride and survival. This immense isolation from the rest of the world, along with a sordid, racist and violent Indigenous and migrant history has created a neurosis  about identity in Perth that, I think, in many ways feeds all of our artistic and cultural endeavors.

My own personal history includes a migrant Italian prisoner of war Grandfather, and a lesbian, Indigenous Aunt who hails from Murri country in top end Queensland. These histories influence and inform my own voice because I have grown up with a deeply ingrained understanding of what it is to suffer in all this isolation, where home never really feels like home. And of course I hold dear to me the parts of me which are most under threat.

I spent every Sunday afternoon of my childhood being force-fed delicious Italian food because my Italian Grandmother was so scarred by her migrant experiences that she was rarely able to speak anything of her true self, her heart, her history, and her grief. She spoke through food. I have no doubt that me witnessing this lack of voice, this searing isolation and anger that informed and brooded within her, has informed my own voice as a writer. It brings to mind prominent WA writers like Shaun Tan, Kim Scott, Jack Davis, and Tim Winton. There is a deep yearning to tell these untold stories. To speak for the damaged, crushed, and dying. To splash long stuck tears onto the page and give voice to the whispers of those lost, stolen, isolated, or alone.

In the 1800 and early 1900s in Perth, 95% of the Noongar population was wiped out in 50 years. On top of the massacres, was the assimilation policy that lead to the Stolen Generations, which though backed by laws in every state, was implemented with particular fervour in WA. The violence and racism in WA was (and still is) acutely embarrassing, and has created voices and stories like Doris Pilkington Garimara’s Rabbit Proof Fence and Kim Scott’s Miles Franklin winning Benang. It’s in the background of all of Tim Winton’s work – this sense of darkness, of guilt and anger, danger and ignorance. The sharks that pervade so many WA works, like Winton, Scott and Robert Drewe are a symbol of these dangers. In this sense I think the Western Australian voice almost feeds the Australian one. It is almost like we are the ultimate embarrassment, the State with the worst identity crisis in a country riddled with hypocrisy and shame over how it treats its own indigenous peoples, how it treats migrants, and how it treats the land itself.

What does this do for our story-telling and our literary culture in WA? I think it fosters both a desire for inclusion in our writing, and a sense of separateness, where our own stories, which, due to very nature of our isolation, are unique. It also fosters a great desire to be heard, acknowledged and accounted for in the Australian and International literary scene.

Surprise always accompanies our state pride when a literary or artistic work puts Perth on the map.  As much as we want to see our label of being an unsophisticated backwater sloughed off, deep down, it is a belief that most of us still actually carry. So this dualism goes part way to explaining our identity crisis issues. Not to mention of course that there does seem to be a disparity in National funding.

My own experience, coming from Perth and now living in Melbourne, is that the writing networks and community in Perth aren’t strong enough. Across the board in artistic endeavours in Perth, there is almost an unspoken acknowledgement that one has to first ‘make it’ in the East if one is ever to gain recognition.

The writing groups and houses in Perth don’t link themselves enough to the rest of Australia. I’d never heard of Meanjin or Harvest until I came here. That training ground in the literary journals doesn’t really exist in Perth, so the jump for emerging writers to publication is a huge and very daunting one. So often new Perth writers begin with looking at the end result, seeking publication and recognition, instead of putting in the hard yards, alone at the keyboard. Recognition is too important to us – often times more important than the work itself.

After I came back from Varuna in Sydney – where I received a LongLines residency from WA to work on my first novel, my Perth friends kept (and still do) asking me who the best publisher would be for the ‘novels’ that they hadn’t actually started writing yet and I keep telling them to forget about publishers and focus on the writing. It also shows the general lack of understanding in Perth of the publishing industry itself.

I’d like to leave you with a passage from the end of Kim Scott’s book Benang – a truly Western Australian story told in what I now think of as a truly West Australian voice – it speaks of the Noongar peoples, almost wiped out, and it calls to the ancestors, and to the rest of us.

Phew! You still here?